Broken, shattered, destroyed...

What does it mean to truly be broken?  Can a person really be shattered?  Is the spirit of a man (or woman) truly able to be destroyed?

I never used to believe in love.  Sure, I've used the word before, I'm sure that everyone else has too but I never really knew what it meant until now.

If you truly love someone, they have the ability to make you feel whole or to break your heart into a million tiny pieces.  If you really do care about someone, they can lift your spirit higher than an eagle flies or bury you so deep that you suffocate under the weight of the pain.

I didn't know that love had such power; I didn't know that a simple emotion could leave such a lasting effect, but then, love never is truly simple, is it?

I know now that I have truly loved someone, though I always suspected it to be the case.  The evidence is not, however, in the joy that I feel from being with this person; instead, the proof lies in the pain I feel now that I want to enjoy the company of someone new.  That's the inherent problem, you see:  we don't know what we have until it is taken away from us and we don't know how deep the wounds are until someone sticks their finger in.

I have tried to move on, tried to grow, and tried to change.  I have made a concerted effort to go on with my life and live for myself, but to no avail.  I have met someone that I truly care about; someone whose time I enjoy and who can actually bring the light of joy to my jaded spirit.  That's the worst part, I think; because I now know again a spark of happiness, I realize the void left behind that can never be lit again.

I think that I'm broken, shattered beyond repair.  I hate that I loved someone once and now I'm ruined, like the dress that you spilled red wine on the first time that you wore it.  I'm going to have to tell the new person in my life, but I don't want to give up on the last strand of hope.  Sometimes it's necessary though.  Sometimes we need to know that there is no hope so that we can just settle into the painful rut of existence.

It's just not fair that mistakes that seemed so small, so innocent, can still haunt me to this day.  It's not right that, because of a simple decision, the rest of my life is ruined.  I hate that something that I did so very long ago can condemn me to a life alone.  It's just the way of the world.

I'm broken; I'm shattered; I'm destroyed.  I loved once, and was loved, and will never be the same again.  Anything else is just a dull glow to a heart that has once seen - and been burned by - the light.  Never again will my heart be warm in the cold still of night.

I never knew that it would be this hard

We often make changes in our lives - that is simply the way we are built.  As we grow older and make decisions about what to do, where to go and how to live, we are always changing, but sometimes we make drastic changes.  I'm not talking about the changes in our outlook or our lifestyles that occur slowly over time; I'm talking about the extreme changes that we make overnight.  Sometimes we prepare for them and sometimes we don't, but most of the time we realize that we can never prepare enough.

I moved recently; I'm not talking about down the street or across town here, I'm talking about moving to another city on the other side of the state.  It seemed like a great idea (and I am still convinced that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made) but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the places that I had known for so long.

I moved to a place that I am familiar with in theory but where I am truly lost in practice.  It's not like it used to be because places change just as much as people do and I have used my GPS more than ever since I have been back here.  The simplest destinations are lost on me which is such a difficult thing to deal with sometimes because I am used to not only knowing where everything of interest is, but also knowing the fastest way to get there.  I will get used to it and I will adapt because I must.  I am beginning a new chapter in the story of my life and a new setting is something I will have to deal with.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the memories I have made in nearly a decade.
I moved to a place where I can make new memories but the old ones still haunt me; no, haunt is the wrong word.  The old memories of people, places and things are still so prominent in the back of my mind but they are out of place and out of context in my daily life.  Two of my best friends have died in the recent past and I said goodbye to one in ICU and placed him in the ground and said goodbye to the other at the funeral and cried uncontrollably and the suddenness of her passing.  I will always have memories of them but, with time, even memories fade.  Where I used to live, I remembered our time together almost everywhere I went because we had been there or talked about it or something.  Where I used to live, I could go visit them where they rest at any time I chose.  Now, they are so far away and there is nothing to remind me of them anymore in my daily life.  I pray every day that I don't forget them, even as new memories take precedence and I can feel the fading of the old ones.  This is a new chapter in my life with new memories but I don't want the old ones to lose strength.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the friends I had made.

I moved back to a place where I am surrounded by family.  I love my family dearly, more than anything, and haven't had the opportunity to spend as much of my life with them as I would have liked.  Though I am working on that now, I realize something:  they aren't my only family.  Truly, the good friends that I made where I came from are as much my family as my actual relatives are.  I miss them every day that I am not there.  What makes it harder is that, since they all have each other, I am not so sure that they miss me.  We send the occasional text message and talk (usually briefly) once in awhile but those instances get fewer and farther between.  Meanwhile I am in a new place and time trying like hell to replace the people that I love with new ones because I am fairly certain that the old characters in my story are in the process of writing me out of their lives.

Think of life as a great epic novel.  Every chapter is a new beginning and, I suppose, every beginning must have and end.  Some of the people, places and things in our lives can carry on throughout the storyline but, as in all books, some of them simply fade away.  Some of them were simply minor subplots on the road and were never truly as important to the overall theme as we wanted (or hoped for) them to be.  That is the challenge:  trying to sort out what is important enough to keep through each new chapter and being willing to give up on the things that suddenly don't matter anymore.  To make things worse, each person tells their own story so what seems to you to be a major component of the tale might, to the other person, simply be a footnote.  I realize more and more every day that, to some of the people who I love the most, I don't matter as much to them as they do to me.

I never knew that it would be this hard to move on.

I never knew that it would be this hard to change.

The deck is stacked against us...

I was in love once...

It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...

It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...

I was STILL in love once...

I truly still love him to this day...

I truly still think about him constantly...

I truly can't get him out of my head...

"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)

Just what does this mean for me?  It means that I love someone and can never let him go.  It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind.  It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.

Why must I suffer so?  Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity.  As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws.  If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart.  You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.

I do still love him.  That is a true statement.  I dream about him nightly.  It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real.  I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever.  Dreams can be so cruel.

We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion.  It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be.  Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us?  Why must the house always win?

Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)) are still punished for their good fortune.  Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.

If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change.  We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life.  The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.

There is no "one" right person for anyone.  I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now.  The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving.  Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly.  In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate?  Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me.  He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over.  There is nothing that can break that cycle.  Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.

I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder:  did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection?  Did we have what it took to be together always?  If so, then I really fucked shit up.  It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.

Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to.  Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care.  My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...

Disheartening, to say the least...

Isn't it funny how we can have so much respect for someone and then, with just a few words, they can shake us to the very core?

I was, of course, having a deeply philosophical debate with someone that I truly and deeply admire - or at least I did.  I've always considered myself to be open to new ideas and I try to associate with people who think the same.  While participating in a lively chat about the links between modern American politics and the influence of various prominent religions, something was said that shook me to the core.  I've met hardcore conservatives before and had talks with some of the most liberal people as well, but the shocker was that someone I considered to be an intellectual said something that shook the understanding that I thought I had about them to the very core.

One of my favorite topics to discuss is the freedom of religion (or lack thereof) in our overly conservative "modern" society.  When this came up, one of the people that I tend to debate with often (and who usually tends to be on my side due to what I felt was a mutual understanding) made the following observation:  "Of course the Constitution protects the freedom of religion in America.  You are free to be part of any Christian religion that you choose."

This statement stunned me so much at first that I couldn't respond.  It was only after several minutes of silence that I could even get back into the discussion at hand.  Why was this pronouncement so shocking to me?  Was it simply because it exposed my supposedly open-minded friend for the closet conservative that he was?  Maybe it was because I couldn't believe that any truly free-thinking and equality-minded individual could openly profess such a belief.  What was the reason for my loss of focus at a moment when I would normally be the first one to tear down and attack the subtle bigotry inherent in such a declaration?

It is only after nearly a day of trying (unsuccessfully) to think about everything else but that statement and the ensuing discussion that I have come to realize the two major problems that arose in my mind.  First and foremost, I did the wrong thing and simply ignored a statement by a friend (or at least a colleague) in order to preserve my own image of our "likeminded" beliefs in true freedom.  Secondly, I realized that, though I am the first to champion freedom of religion and the first to criticize any overly moral legislation as hampering that very right, I too feel the same way!

I would never profess such a belief and can very easily call to mind each and every reason that such a way of thinking is wrong and even potential harmful en masse, but truthfully I now have just the tiniest understanding of how the jihadists feel.  When you are raised a certain way and you grow up thinking only one thing is right then no amount of education or exploration of other possibilities can break you of the influence that a system of beliefs can have over your innermost thoughts and feelings.

This is a problem that we all feel, I fear.  Those of us who were raised in the church (I do not capitalize here because I refer broadly to any church at all) can not shake the hold of our religion over our deepest emotional responses.  I'm not talking about holiday holiness here people, I'm talking about people who are coached their entire lives to believe that something is true.  That, after all, is the very reason that man created religion to begin with:  in order to ingrain a system of beliefs on groups of people to make it easier to maintain power over societies.

No, I am not an atheist.  I do believe in God, specifically the God of my understanding (catch the reference to AA and NA and then check out Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book: New Personal Stories for the Year 2008 and Bill W.: The absorbing and deeply moving life story of Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous for some in-depth understanding of what I mean here and some tips that can help in the lives of anyone who is feeling lost).

If there is one thing that the twelve steps taught me in my exploration of self it was that no one religion has it right.  Religion was made by man, after all, and no religious text can deny it.  Even Jesus Himself did not make the Christian religion, as it were, people; He simply set out some basic tenets and left the formation of His church (Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code: A Historian Reveals What We Really Know about Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Constantine and The Da Vinci Code, Special Illustrated Edition (Hardcover) are EXCELLENT reads if you want to understand the real story behind the formation of the modern churches and the various offshoot denominations) in the hands of men.  That's right, you die-hard Christians - Jesus let men write down and set all the rules that now make up the dogmas of the various Christian denominations.  Read the Good Book itself and look for the rules that He Himself wrote and then compare them to the things that the churches do in His name.

This brings to mind an interesting quote from Sarah McLachlan:  "Dear God, I don't know if you noticed but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book... and as crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look..." (from the song Dear God available on the album Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff pictured at the top of this article).  The entire song is a letter to the God of her understanding talking about the false gods that are being credited as the cause for wars and anger and hatred among mankind.  I think Sarah makes some good points...

Still I find it hard to break away from the training that I was given in my younger days.  I know that I have a relationship with God, with the God of my understanding, and I know that we are close but sometimes the trappings of the old religious dogma still cause me to pause.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking in the closed-minded way that all religions of every type seem to end up teaching as right.  If I myself can fall into this trap then maybe the problem is worse than I thought?  The simple fact is that organized religion is a source of power for a very few fueled by the masses that accept it without hesitation.  The very fact that more and bloodier wars have been fought in the name of religion than for any other reason in the entire expanse of human history proves one thing to me:  the evil of a man is intent on destroying everything good.

"The blight of corruption that lies within the heart of humanity has managed to obscure even the true light of God that shines upon the earth and shades us instead with false hope and man-made dogma..."  That last quote is mine.  Came to me just now... like it or hate it, but no one can deny that it rings true.  Think Jim and Tammy Fae, think Ferdinand and Isabella, think Constantine himself and then wonder where we are headed...

Is the movie over already...?

So it's been an incredibly long time since I've actually had the opportunity to post anything. I am going to try and remedy that. I find that I miss being able to sign in here and say whatever the hell I want. It's a great way to relieve stress and work through problems because I can write whatever I feel like and no one can do a damn thing about it! I have decided that blogging is quite therapeutic and considerably cheaper than actually going to therapy.

Side note: don't judge me. There are lots of people who are in therapy and, if you want the honest truth, the ones who don't go are really the ones that seem to need it the most.

Alright, so I'm not going to spend my first blog in forever ranting and raving about politics or religion or some existential sense of human nature. Instead, I'm going to talk about the crap that's going on quite close to home, right here in my very own life.

At 29 years old, I have finally decided that it is time to grow up. I realized a long time ago that this horrible west Texas town in which I live is really nothing more than a black hole that sucks you in and clamps down on your very soul to keep you here in what is commonly called the "buckle of the Bible belt." Funny thing about belt buckles: they tend to be gaudy, bulky, and worth less than the hunk of metal they are made from, though they are generally priced at about ten times what they are actually worth. Come to think of it, that really does describe Abilene, but I digress.

I made the firm decision that it was time for a change. I am working on getting the license necessary to have a career - that's right, I said it. Doesn't that sound grown up? I even took a bit of my own advice and made the decision that in order to save money before I start my program next January, I should just get out of this ridiculous town while the getting is good and stay with my grandmother. It would be cheaper, there are more job opportunities in the Houston area (and of course the pay is better) and that's where I need to be for school anyway. I know it sounds silly to move in with granny but sometimes in life you have to take a step backward in order to move forward.

I even went so far as to set a date for this change. I have been doing everything that I can to prepare myself for the worst part of any move: the actual moving itself. I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than have to move, but unfortunately, it's a necessary evil.

A strange thing has happened though. As much as I am thrilled to be leaving this horrible desert town full of hypocritical heathens and moving back home to family and old friends and heathens who don't try to hide it, I have started to have second thoughts about leaving. At first I was sure that it was just the soul-sucking power of Abilene that was creating my doubts but then I realized that as much as I don't want to be here and even with all of the reasons I have to go, there are some good things about my time in Abilene (score one point for my therapist). One of those redeeming factors is the fact that I have made quite a few friends in my time here. There are many people that I will miss and I am extremely close to some of them.

The realization that I was soon to be separated from people about which I care so dearly was like a ton of bricks. Of course I have responded in the only natural way and am trying to spend as much time with those people as I can, between work and class and preparing to move into the next phase of my life.

Lately, though, I feel like I've just seen a thrilling, edge of your seat wonder of cinematography, only to be confused at the conclusion because it builds and builds on itself until it just simply ends. What I mean to say is I feel like a disappointed moviegoer. Where is the resolution phase of the story development? Why does this part of my life suddenly seem that it is just going to stop at the end of the chapter with no transition into the future.

I think that part of the reason that I feel so dejected is that, though I truly want to spend time with my friends, it almost seems that they have already written me off. It's like they have chosen to go ahead and cut their losses and just kill me off so that I no longer have a part in the storyline. I'm sure that's not how they mean to make me feel - or is it?

I'm so confused. I really don't want to leave my friends behind but I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and, for once in my life, I am going to be a selfish bastard and do just that. I just don't want them to forget about me so soon. Dammit, I'm not even fucking gone yet.

Maybe I'm overreacting and things aren't really as bad as they seem. All I know is that I'm going to take charge with the little time that I have left. I'm going to write myself into the end of this chapter one way or another. If I get to spend time with my friends before I go then I will be happy as can be; but if they really do write me off too soon, then that's just more incentive to get the hell out of here because obviously the friendships that I value so dearly don't really mean as much as I think that they do. Either way I come out on top and since I've always been the guy who bends over backwards for other people I am going to make damn sure that I take care of me first for a change!

Right and Right-Wing... Really?!?

Here we are in the year 2009 and still suffering from prejudice, hatred, and discrimination. The United States Congress has begun hearings regarding the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA - H.R. 2981) and already the right-wing conservative groups are out in force. Focus on the Family, an advocate of religious rights, recently sent a letter to Congress in opposition to the bill. (for the letter's text see here: 9-2-2009 Letter From Focus on the Family) I think that it might benefit the reader to peruse this document as I fully intend to tear it and its tenets to ribbons.

The right-wingers that drafted and supported this letter had something to say about religious freedom. According to Focus on the Family, because most religious faiths oppose the practice or endorsement of homosexuality or "transgenderism," the ENDA will create workplace conflict among employees because of objections to: "religious articles on employees' desks; water cooler discussions about biblical morality; Bible verses taped to cubicle walls; fliers on company bulletin boards advertising discussions concerning traditional marriage." Where in the hell do these people work? Most places that I know tend to frown on these types of displays and activities as it is. I don't think that the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered (LGBT) community will be the first to raise objections or dissonance to these types of activities. The first amendment protection of religious freedom extends to ALL religions, even those that DO support (or in the very least, show no opinion on) homosexuality. Do we need to take the right to work away from Catholics or Muslims just because their belief system does not coincide with the Protestants in their workplace? Don't we already have many different peoples of many different doctrines working together in the same companies? How come people from such very different backgrounds can all get along (and are indeed guaranteed equality) but giving equal rights to the LGBT community will suddenly create such a rift? Indeed, I'm sure that there are even atheists and agnostics (both of whose rights to NOT believe are protected by the same legislation that protects the believers' rights TO believe) in the workforce today. Surely the presence of those who don't even BELIEVE in God or religion creates the same form of strife that Mr. Tom Minnery, Senior V.P. of FotF is referring to. Where is the push from the lobbyists to take away THEIR equal rights as well. If Minnery is right, then each workplace should only hire employees who subscribe to the same religious belief and wouldn't THAT be the breeding ground for insight and innovation!

Our founding fathers came here seeking the freedom to believe and worship as they chose. It was for this reason that the hand of Uncle Sam was used to protect religious right, not set religious doctrine. If we allow legislation that only supports the religious right (and indeed it will eventually turn into only CERTAIN religions that are right) then we will be no better than the despotic countries who subscribe to only ONE government-sponsored belief and persecute all non-believers.

I find it humorous that FotF claims that there is no hard evidence to prove employment discrimination against the LGBT community. If discrimination was not seen to be occurring, then why in the hell would Congress be debating a law to prevent it? It's simple logic actually. Many national and international corporations have adopted their own policies on this issue in order to prevent this very thing. Why would Blue Cross, Darden Restaurants, Chase Bank, and Microsoft all have felt the need to write such policies into their employment practices if it wasn't happening? Indeed, discrimination runs rampant. To quote Mr. Minnery, "Moreover, sexual orientation and 'gender identity' should not be equated with race, color, gender or national origin. Homosexuals, bisexuals, and 'transgender' people have never been counted as 3/5 of a person, forced to drink from separate water fountains, made to ride at the back of a bus, or denied the right to vote."

While it is true that widespread discrimination has not yet reached the boiling point that caused our forebears to leave England in the first place and we have not yet hit the rock bottom of the period of slavery, one must wonder: if discrimination is not a problem, why are so many members of the LGBT community attacked, beaten, sodomized, and murdered simply for being who they are? Why would so many legislative bodies have found it necessary to enact hate crime legislation in order to protect a minority group that is not being discriminated against? Obviously, FotF is either denying that this discrimination occurs or advocating in favor of it (I certainly do hope that it is the former). Even women, when they were at their most persecuted, were not MURDERED simply for being women.

We are giving the severely conservative (and disillusioned) groups vindication if we vote down this bill. By allowing government-sponsored (for that's what it will appear to be if the legislation is vetoed) discrimination against a minority group will become acceptable once again in the United States. If we are going to go backwards in time, then why not allow discrimination against ALL minorities? Do we really want to give the Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nation, and other supremacy groups of all types license to operate once again within our borders?

You may think that this issue is about simple employment, but look at the larger picture. It is an important precedent to set by the force of legislation that the LGBT deserves equal rights. It will be immensely destructive to the civil rights of minorities as a whole if we allow them to be denied. Our founding fathers would roll over in their graves if they heard the tenets of "religious freedom" and "civil rights" being used to back a movement to ostracize, alienate, and discriminate against an entire group of people with FULL LEGAL AUTHORITY! No one seems to remember why America was founded to begin with. I seem to remember reading something somewhere about 'all men being created equal.' I guess that we have forgotten that in this modern day and age.

I can not believe that any group would lobby AGAINST equal rights and equal employment opportunity for a group of Americans that just want to be productive citizens like everyone else. I sincerely hope that everyone is as outraged as I am and takes a moment to write their senators. If our Congress votes down a bill to protect the employment rights of a portion of the American population, it will definitely be a step in the OPPOSITE direction of equality. How can we continue to be a champion of democracy and a beacon of freedom to the world if we allow prejudice, fear, hatred and bigotry to write our legislation for us? How can America continue to be the land of the free and the home of the brave if large sections of our population are, once again in our history, categorically denied basic civil rights? Voting against ENDA-type policies will send the message that "liberty and justice for all" is no longer available in America! I'm not asking for major changes in life, I'm just asking that our Congress considers the matter and votes on the side of freedom; not freedom for one group, but freedom for all!

Write your Senators... I did... Contact US Senators

Pain in Living Color

There are so many different kinds of pain. It comes in more variety than the colors of the rainbow. How can one begin to define something that comes in such varied forms?

Physical pain is something that we are all familiar with. In our lives, it's the Pavlovian negative reinforcement by which we learn self-preservation. When a child places its hand on a hot pan, the pain of the experience teaches the child not to repeat that action. Physical pain is our signal that we are either doing something wrong or dangerous or that something is wrong with our bodies. Something I heard once comes to mind when I think of physical pain: what does the doctor say if you tell him that "it hurts when I do this"? He says, "then don't do that anymore." The simple and nearly immediate impulses firing across the synapses of our nervous system make the sensation that is pain into a very real and tangible feeling. It is something that can be measured and quantified because there is always something to compare the suffering of the moment to.

Emotional pain, however, is much less easily identified, though it, too, tends to play an important role in all of our lives. This is where the cut-and-dried "it hurts" tends to fade into the vast ambiguity of the undefinable. Anyone can easily tell you what hurts, where it hurts, or how badly it hurts when they are suffering physically, but when it comes to defining that mysterious pain of the heart (or the elusive and oft-debated soul) most people are at a loss. So many of our experiences are coloured by the brush strokes of our inner pain that it makes for an almost kaleidoscopic view of our lives.

There are so many sources of pain; it arises from loves lost, the finality of death, friendships forgotten, or failure to complete a goal. It can rear its ugly head even in the best of times in our existence. Often times the things (and people) we love the best have the power to hurt us the most. In the world of man, one person's pain is often another person's pleasure. Such a relative thing is so hard to define, almost impossible to quantify, and definitely impossible to avoid. We all cause and feel pain all of the time and it is this pain that makes us who we are.

Surely, some of us deal with it better than others. Some of us have the ability to turn our pain to good use, making the best of every bad situation. Some of us take our own internal suffering out on those around us, spreading it like a virus through the people that we come into contact with. Then there are those of us (like me) who tend to bottle up what hurts. It might be easy to put things into words when no one knows the author, but when it comes to actually dealing with something that hurts so badly, we clam up. We bury our hurt and our sorrow deep inside so that (we think) it can't hurt us or anyone else by rearing its ugly head.

Of course hiding from the pain doesn't do any good. It's still there, it's still real, it still marks everything that we do, and it just builds and festers inside of us, growing like a virus that infects every part of our lives. How do you recover from that? How can you strip the colors of your pain from the canvas of your life and start painting anew? The problem is that first and foremost, you have to categorize your pain and that's the hardest part of all. When it comes to that difficult task, I think I'm too scarred to find a place to start. That's what happens when you feel too much, get too involved, and hide your hurt... you become jaded, cynical, and broken beyond repair. Life turns into a Van Gogh watercolor, beautiful and distressed...

Taking the High Road... Fucking Friendships...

"I took the high road. I did not intervene. I hurt my friend. He felt and he hurt and he learned a lesson but I didn't make it any better. What kind of friend am I? I hurt him because I didn't save him."

This was the thought going through my mind at 3:30 this morning. This was the rut that I dug myself into as I listened to my friend pour out his heart about his last relationship. This was the thing that was eating at my soul while my friend cried and talked about his pain.

Friendships fucking suck. It sucks to be friends with someone when you know things that will hurt them. It sucks to be friends with TWO people when you know things about each of them that will disillusion the other and infringe on the happiness of either of them. It's just really fucking hard to care about people.

There are so many problems with knowing things; so many things wrong with knowledge of someone else's business. I hate when people tell me things. I really can't stand when someone confides in me if only because I never know what to do. Common decency says that one should never go around blabbing the business (whether "secret" or otherwise) of another person to the world. What do you do when you are under the teary-eyed gaze of the person that those things hurt though? How do you deal with that? Moreover, how do you deal with the fact that, had you been more forthcoming with the information that is not yours to give out, you may have been able to prevent the tears and forego the pain? What do you do when, through inaction, you are somewhat at fault?

That's why I have such a hard time having friends. I confide in no one and I really don't like when others confide in me. True friends require trust and the sharing of information and I avoid that like the plague. It's much easier just to stay out of everyone else's business and keep my hands off of everyone else's lives. I don't want to play chess with other people's hearts. No one ever seems to win that game.

Why do we make our friends suffer so? No, I'm not talking about making them suffer by keeping things from them; I'm talking about making them suffer by TELLING them shit to begin with! We have no right to put other people in the position to make such a difficult decision. Think about the problem for a moment: cause pain by remaining loyal to a friend (or one friend if you are close to everyone involved) or cause pain by spilling your guts at the first sign of tension. When is it appropriate to tell? When is it necessary to give out information and what reasons justify such action? It's a hellish conundrum with no real answer and any decision that is made results in the suffering of someone (or everyone) involved.

That's why friendships suck. Just don't tell me shit that you don't want everyone to know because, from now on, to avoid any conflict, I'm an open book. The new disclaimer on my life is going to be: "If you tell me something, I will probably write a fucking blog about it and EVERYONE will know. No more keeping other people's dirty little secrets."

Finding Your Fear

Everything we do, every day of our lives, stems from our natural (and sometimes unnatural) fears. Fear is the basis of functionality for life. How we deal with our fears is what separates man from beast and mature men from the unenlightened.

Suppose that you are out for a night on the town. You've got your best girl (or guy) on your arm and someone starts to show some over-the-top (and probably unwanted) attention to your mate. Jealousy often rears its ugly head and we blame the green-eyed monster for our possessive reaction but we should delve a little deeper into the cause of our anger and unease at the situation. Why do we get jealous? A secondary emotion, jealousy is triggered by a more sinister master - fear. The fear of losing something (or someone) precious to us against our will causes the reaction when someone else shows too much attention to our loved ones. Without that seed of fear, jealousy would never spring into the picture.

Imagine that you are crossing the street at a busy intersection. Caution, which we attribute to our intelligence and our ability to reason, prohibits most of us from just bolting into traffic, dodging one car after another. Once again, we are placing too much credit on the wrong instinct. What makes us cautious? Why do we look both ways before crossing the street or check the water depth in the pool before diving in head first? Our ability to reason isn't at the core of our desire to show caution. Once again, the culprit is fear; a deep-seated fear of injury to ourselves spawns our careful actions. Without the dark touch of fear, caution often goes to the wind.

Fear does so much for us. It helps to remind us to think before we act. It sparks a whole serious of emotions and instigates trains of rational thought that, we hope, keep us safe from harm and far from trouble. Horror movies and thrillers take full advantage of the power of fear. The adrenaline rush brought on by fear is big business in Hollywood and even this use of the most primal of emotions for profit has something to teach us. As time goes on and the terror genre gets deeper and darker, we learn that the more realistic the situation, the more intense the reaction of our fear. No longer are the movie monsters of our pasts sufficient to draw out the response of fear. Michael Myers may still elicit a shock when he pops up alive for the thousandth time but the fear reaction is subdued - there is no danger there. Now we reach to new heights to activate our response and intensify our experience. The movie monsters of today are serial killers and sadistic murderers and pictures of men and societies gone horribly wrong. Will these, too, one day lose their power over us?

Why is fear such a driving force in our lives? Why does it have so much power over us? Why is one simple primal instinct at the heart of everything we do? Think back on human history, long before the advent of advanced cultures. Mankind has three basic needs (simplified from earlier versions): food, shelter (the need for clothing is often included in the need for shelter), and companionship (including both the social and sex instincts of man). Yet even at the deepest roots of these most simple of necessities is the heavy hand of our fear. It is the fear of suffering in the elements that makes us seek shelter; the fear of starvation that sends us searching for food; the fear of loneliness and the end of our species that causes us to seek out others like us. Everything that we do, as individuals and as societies, can be traced back to the guiding force of our ever-present fears.

The trick is not to let our fears overwhelm us. Of course our fear is essential to our lives, if not it wouldn't have such power over us. We just have to remember that, though our baser fears sow the seeds for our thoughts, reactions, and emotions, they are not meant to control us. They serve their purpose most effectively if we let them ignite the flame of reason but not overpower it. Otherwise, we would be no better than the lower mammals, living on pure instinct and falling victim to the power of our fears.

Who is this God person anyway?

***DISCLAIMER: If you are incredibly sensitive about religion, God, or matters of faith then the following may or may not offend you. Everyone has the right to believe what they choose and this is just one small part of what I believe about God (as I understand Him).***

So many different opinions exist regarding God. It is a matter of fact that the vastly diverse systems of religious belief in the wide variety of deities worshipped around the world throughout human history has been the single source of disagreements that have resulted in more and bloodier wars than anything else in our society. No mere economic or political conflict can hold a candle to the horrific chaos that results from dogmatic differences when it comes to religious beliefs.

There is an interesting quote that I would like to use as a basis for the diatribe to come. It comes from the song entitled Dear God by Sarah McLachlan and is as follows... "Did you (referring to God) make mankind, after we made you... and the devil, too?"

Before anyone gets their feathers too ruffled, I should explain something very simple. I have no problem with God or a belief in Him. I personally believe and feel that I have a close connection to this supremely spiritual being. There is, however, and important distinction that should be made. God (as you choose to understand Him) is an integral part in every religious belief, but religion is NOT necessary to maintain faith in God. Something that we all tend to forget is that, just as the various civilizations rise in power, prosper for a time, and then crumble into ashes only to be replaced by new social groupings, the various religions of the world, throughout history, do the exact same thing. It is the nature of anything that is created by man that it must only be temporary.

You are now probably just burning with fury at the insinuation that religion was created by man and, therefore, can not be an agent of God. Think on this for a moment - just a few thousand years ago (not terribly long in the grand scheme of history), the known world was ruled by the ancient empires of Rome and, before that, Egypt. In other parts of the world, the dominant cultures were those of the Native Americans (the Maya, Incas, and Aztecs to name a few) and before any of these were ever even thought of the ancient Sumerians and other groups had control. The thing that is most pertinent about the rise and fall of all of these prominent cultures (and the others like them) is that, long before any of our modern beliefs in God (or any derivation thereof) were even conceived of (let alone preached from pulpits to the sheeplike masses) these cultures retained their VERY OWN systems of belief that were all unique and were all entirely unlike the major belief systems as ascribed to today. That means that the religious dogmas of today must have been created long after the creation of man.

There is a point to the history lesson above and that is this - if God made religion then why are all religions NOT the same and why do the "right" religions of our time (for every culture that believes also believes that IT is the only one that has it right) not date back to the beginning of human history? One would infer that, if God had created religion for us, He would have created it when He created us, yet this is not the case.

We can, therefore, deduce that organized religion, in all of its various forms throughout human history, is a product of the minds of men. Furthermore (and here is the kicker) one might draw the conclusion that, as all organized religions are man-made belief systems centering on a variety of different and unique deities (yes there are still some polytheistic cultures in the world) then the particular deities at the center of each individual dogma must also be creations of mankind.

This is not to say that God does not exist. I am actually quite certain that God (of my understanding, for I think that everyone has their own unique relationship with the higher power, spiritual creator, or whatever one might choose to call the supreme being) does, in actual fact, exist. I am also quite convinced that He is NOTHING like what we have made him to be. Man, after all, has the tendency to use organizations and groups as a means of controlling other men. This is simple fact. That is why, therefore, all religions, and indeed all of the different gods (I will no longer capitalize when referring to man-made gods), reflect the characteristics that the leading groups of people responsible for their creations chose for them to reflect. That is the reason that all of the many different gods are simply so very different!

Now that I am quite certain that I have offended all of the religious believers in the world, I might as well go ahead and finish the job with a final declaration: though some of the ideas of the many different belief systems are inherently good, for the most part the creators and leaders of the religions of man are LYING TO YOU! The lies are descendents of those perpetrated generations ago in order to make groups of people succumb to the will of those either in power or who wished to be in power. Religion, as made by man, is a FRAUD!

For those of you who are faithful (I use this term to refer to the very small number of people who have faith in something more without following a man-made dogma like cattle) I hold out hope. I know that, as non-traditional believers who do not subscribe to any religion in particular, we are, therefore the most persecuted of all. We are often called atheists, though that is a different group entirely. As agnostics (those who believe in a higher power but feel that organized religion is unnecessary) we are condemned and slandered by ALL of the other, more powerful groups (including, as it were, the atheists)! There is a shining light at the end of the tunnel though for those of us who are faithful and choose to persevere, knowing that there is something more to believe in than that which was just conceived by the powerful upper echilon. Like all of the other dogmatic beliefs in human history, even those that are currently in power will, eventually, either evolve and change with the times or one day fade away into the dim light of history. Luckily for us, we will still have the God of our understanding even as all of those organized beliefs preached from the various pulpits of the world wither away.

Letter To My Lost Friend...

To our dearly departed friend,

I want you to know how much everyone misses you. It has been hard for all of us since you left. I saw your mom a short time ago and she seems to be doing better but of course, she’s still not her old self. Monday night classes are just not the same without you. It’s really awful not to be able to hear you laugh at everyone's comments or our teacher's jokes. I don’t really have anyone to go eat with afterward or watch the new movies I want to see. That was kind of our thing, you know, and I’m trying to figure out how to go on doing that stuff with you gone. I don’t understand why you left us but I’m sure that you had your reasons. I don’t know why you couldn’t talk to me about them – we talked about everything else. I wish I could have been there to help you but I wasn’t and that kind of makes me feel partially responsible. I feel like I failed you as a friend and I just wish I know what I could have done to make things better for you. I know that I can’t change things but I still want to. I at least want to learn what mistakes I made so that I don’t make them again. I can’t bear to let anyone else down like that. I really do wish I could have been there for you. I think about you every day and wonder “what if?” I don’t like the way this feels.

It was so unfair for you to do this to us, you know. We had no warning, no way of knowing anything was wrong. You didn’t let anyone in – didn’t tell anyone what was going on. That hurts so much. How can I get over something that I don’t understand? I cry sometimes when I think about you. That part really sucks. I want to think of the happy memories that I have of time we spent together. It just bothers me because as much as I want to remember the good times, it hurts so much that you’re gone. I cry and then I’m angry. I’m angry with you for leaving. I’m angry with you for the way you made us all feel. I’m angry with you for making everyone cry, for hurting us so badly. The problem is that I don’t want to be angry with you. I don’t want to feel this way and it hurts me even more that I can’t let it go. It’s not fair for me to be mad that you’re gone. You did what you felt you had to do so what right do I have to be mad at you for a decision you made about your own life? You decided it was time to go so you left.

I still miss you every day. I still smile at your memory, even after I cry, sometimes through the tears. I think everyone feels the same way. I don’t understand why you are gone but it doesn’t really matter because you are and that is something that is set in stone. I want you to be back here, with us, but that will never happen and so all I can do is laugh and cry and be angry all at once. I hate feeling this way. You know how much I try to control what I think and what I feel. I will always remember you and the good times that we had, I just want to try and forget the bad stuff and I guess that just takes time. I just want it to get easier and I’m afraid that all of my memories will stay tainted by my own anger and pain at the circumstances. I don’t want it to be this way anymore.

Know that I will think about you always, my dear departed friend…

Please pay attention - our menu options have changed...

I'm so tired of things being done the way they always have been. Change is a good thing. We do it all the time as we move through life from birth to death, but somehow we are still so very averse to something so common.

Humanity, as a whole, is static. Our civilization seems to be stuck in a rut so deep that there is simply no way to get out of it. Why do we allow that to happen? How can our society function with antiquated laws, outdated sensibilities, and outmoded belief systems? Our country, as the most advanced and industrialized nation in the world, has fallen behind the rest of mankind. We are, all at once, the most closed-minded, backward-thinking, and conservative nation in existence.

The problem isn't inherent to the entire population of America. So many of us have changed with the times. Many of us have learned to cope with the changing times and adapt to the demands of the ever-more-modern world in which we live. The problem, however, is with the rulers of our country.

Our government seems to base its policies and beliefs on a number of fallacies that continue to hold our society back from the advances of the rest of the world. Our nation, founded on the premise of religious freedom, is now governed by a group of right-wing conservatives who love to live in the past and hold us to the dated and stringent system of morality of some of our more puritanical forefathers.

Have you ever wondered why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? Ever noticed how our government is in debt but those that govern are wealthy? The reason is that the static hand of the conservative continues to reach deeper in the pockets of a continually evolving populus. There is money to be made in keeping the American people in a kind of moral straight jacket. We want to grow with the rest of humanity and change with the times but we just can't. When did our desire for self-government grant the governing body the right to legislate morality? When did the private behaviors of two consenting adults become a matter for politicians and judges? Who gave Uncle Sam the right to tell us what we can and cannot do in our own homes? I don't advocate anarchy, but one of the basic principles of our right to the pursuit of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is that, as long as it doesn't infringe on the rights of others, then we can achieve that inalienable right however we choose. Unfortunately, our government doesn't seem to agree.

That is why our freedoms get taken away from us. Smoking is governed by ever-more-strict legislation as tobacco is taxed more every day. Gay marriage is banned in more states and localities all the time while unhappy heterosexuals clog our court system with divorce proceedings. Alcohol takes the lives of both the drinker and their innocent sober victims while smoking one single joint has proven medically harmless, doesn't cause accidents, and can still send you to prison. So many things need to change and yet the vast majority of Americans are held so tight by their political overseers that they are afraid to speak out any longer. It's a vicious cycle in which more and more of our freedoms are lost every single day of our lives.

How come the bank's automated system can change its options but the most powerful nation in the world is stuck in a downward spiral dragging it more and more into a very real, if unspoken, despotism? The powerful have too much power and we need to remind them that we are a democratic republic. It is time for us to remember how to use our voice.

Coloring outside of the lines...

Some rules were made to be broken; some molds were meant to be cracked and some patterns were meant to be discarded. Why are people so afraid of things that are different?

Everyone is so stuck in what is "supposed to be." Even those people who dare to think and live outside of the box still seem to be conforming to some sort of invisible standard. Of course there are the basic rules, governing behaviors from a legal standpoint. Those rules definitely have their place in human society. After all, we are all entitled to the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so long as our rights don't infringe on the rights of another. That is, of course, what the laws of our government are meant to prevent. As a people, as we often do, we sometimes take things a little too far. There are too many rules taking away rights to count. There are too many laws stripping us of our basic freedoms and individualities to number. That is the nature of giving men power over others - they USE it!

I digress, for that is the subject for another time and there is something far more meaningful on my mind tonight. I'm stuck on something that has been bothering me for a long time and, for anyone who knows me, is something I've always talked about. I'm talking about the living, breathing stereotypes of our world. I'm referring to the many "posers" (to use outdated verbiage) that we live with every day of our lives.

Everyone is guilty of the sin of fitting in to some degree or other but I think that the disenfranchised minorities are sometimes the worst. There are so many minority groups that are hated by the ruling majority. Those groups of people who just don't fit the "norm" of the rest of society are both despised and feared by the rest of the populace. So much of this problem stems from our own actions, however. As a member of a minority, I can honestly say this - there is nothing wrong with being proud of your race/creed/color/religion. There is nothing wrong with being different because of your membership in one minority group or another. There is, however, something inherently wrong with behaving a certain way because THAT is what is expected of your minority group!

I live life as a gay man. I am proud of that fact and it's not something I hide but it does NOT govern my behaviors. I do not choose to act a certain way because that's how homosexuals are supposed to act. Those mannerisms and actions do nothing more than perpetuate the very reasons that the majority dislikes our group to begin with. I simply try to live my life as ME because the fact that I am gay is only one SMALL part of my entire being! I think that this problem stems across to ALL minorities, social groups, and other man-made forms and patterns that we, as people, are supposed to conform to (and spend most of our finite lives trying to do just that). It does no good to be different and unique if you simply try to do so in exactly the same way that someone else does! There is nothing to be proud of if your defining characteristics (the things that make you into you to begin with) are the same as everyone else like you.

Of course we have free speech and all, but I'm going to try and make this as painless as possible. I'm not saying we should be ashamed of who we are. I'm simply saying we should actually try being who we are! Why do we feel that, even as we try to be different, we have to fit into the sameness of some group of nonconformists? Why must we succumb to the will of the group and all behave like so many sheep in the pasture? Didn't anyone ever try coloring outside of the lines? There's always something new and different to explore outside of the box so why spend so much time trying to fit in?

Terminally Single

Relationships are too fucking hard. It always seems like, at least for me, that they seem to follow the same pattern.

You meet someone nice, someone who seems like your ideal. The two of you start talking, dating, spending time together, and just getting to know each other in general. Eventually, you are in a "relationship" with each other. Things seem to progress well until the bomb drops. The person that you are with, that you know so well, is not really even the person that you thought they were to begin with!

I should point out at this point that it isn't really a bomb going off. If it were, I think that we would catch on a little bit faster. It never really happens that way. Instead, it's a combination of little things. Little actions, statements, and behaviors that let us know that the person that we thought we knew has become (or has always been) someone else. It's a fact of life I think.

People grow and people change and, unfortunately, people often grow apart. It's hell being with someone and waking up one day, putting the pieces together, and realizing that they are no longer the person that you want to be with. Of course, in all reality, you are probably a different person too.

That is always true for me. I have been cheated on so many times in my life and I always wonder why. I think it's because no one really knows who they want to be with. Everyone wants to meet "the one" but what if that person really doesn't exist? Even when we think we've met our soulmate, it's just a matter of time before we realize that we were wrong. How do you deal with that?

Maybe I'm too picky, but I just refuse to settle for less. That's why, at least in my humble opinion, I think I am terminally single. I want to find the exact right person for me. I have had too many bad relationships to want to go through it again. No, I know that no couple is perfect but there has to be a balance of more good times than bad times, doesn't there? I want to find the person who will watch television with me, read the newspaper while I read a book, or go to a good movie, all just to spend time with me. I want to find the person that will call me just to say hello or tell me that he loves me just in case he hasn't that day. I want to meet someone who will tell me how beautiful I am whether I'm dressed to the nines or wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt. I need to find someone who appreciates my good qualities and still loves me in spite of my flaws. The problem is, I'm afraid that person doesn't exist.

In this life we all look for happiness. We all want to find that special someone who doesn't just want to be with us but who actually FITS with us. We all want to find a partner but no one wants to make the sacrifices. I'm ready for something permanent, but I just can't find anyone who is ready for me. So it is that I am terminally single...