Side note: don't judge me. There are lots of people who are in therapy and, if you want the honest truth, the ones who don't go are really the ones that seem to need it the most.
Alright, so I'm not going to spend my first blog in forever ranting and raving about politics or religion or some existential sense of human nature. Instead, I'm going to talk about the crap that's going on quite close to home, right here in my very own life.
At 29 years old, I have finally decided that it is time to grow up. I realized a long time ago that this horrible west Texas town in which I live is really nothing more than a black hole that sucks you in and clamps down on your very soul to keep you here in what is commonly called the "buckle of the Bible belt." Funny thing about belt buckles: they tend to be gaudy, bulky, and worth less than the hunk of metal they are made from, though they are generally priced at about ten times what they are actually worth. Come to think of it, that really does describe Abilene, but I digress.
I made the firm decision that it was time for a change. I am working on getting the license necessary to have a career - that's right, I said it. Doesn't that sound grown up? I even took a bit of my own advice and made the decision that in order to save money before I start my program next January, I should just get out of this ridiculous town while the getting is good and stay with my grandmother. It would be cheaper, there are more job opportunities in the Houston area (and of course the pay is better) and that's where I need to be for school anyway. I know it sounds silly to move in with granny but sometimes in life you have to take a step backward in order to move forward.
I even went so far as to set a date for this change. I have been doing everything that I can to prepare myself for the worst part of any move: the actual moving itself. I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than have to move, but unfortunately, it's a necessary evil.
A strange thing has happened though. As much as I am thrilled to be leaving this horrible desert town full of hypocritical heathens and moving back home to family and old friends and heathens who don't try to hide it, I have started to have second thoughts about leaving. At first I was sure that it was just the soul-sucking power of Abilene that was creating my doubts but then I realized that as much as I don't want to be here and even with all of the reasons I have to go, there are some good things about my time in Abilene (score one point for my therapist). One of those redeeming factors is the fact that I have made quite a few friends in my time here. There are many people that I will miss and I am extremely close to some of them.
The realization that I was soon to be separated from people about which I care so dearly was like a ton of bricks. Of course I have responded in the only natural way and am trying to spend as much time with those people as I can, between work and class and preparing to move into the next phase of my life.
Lately, though, I feel like I've just seen a thrilling, edge of your seat wonder of cinematography, only to be confused at the conclusion because it builds and builds on itself until it just simply ends. What I mean to say is I feel like a disappointed moviegoer. Where is the resolution phase of the story development? Why does this part of my life suddenly seem that it is just going to stop at the end of the chapter with no transition into the future.
I think that part of the reason that I feel so dejected is that, though I truly want to spend time with my friends, it almost seems that they have already written me off. It's like they have chosen to go ahead and cut their losses and just kill me off so that I no longer have a part in the storyline. I'm sure that's not how they mean to make me feel - or is it?
I'm so confused. I really don't want to leave my friends behind but I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and, for once in my life, I am going to be a selfish bastard and do just that. I just don't want them to forget about me so soon. Dammit, I'm not even fucking gone yet.
Maybe I'm overreacting and things aren't really as bad as they seem. All I know is that I'm going to take charge with the little time that I have left. I'm going to write myself into the end of this chapter one way or another. If I get to spend time with my friends before I go then I will be happy as can be; but if they really do write me off too soon, then that's just more incentive to get the hell out of here because obviously the friendships that I value so dearly don't really mean as much as I think that they do. Either way I come out on top and since I've always been the guy who bends over backwards for other people I am going to make damn sure that I take care of me first for a change!
