Broken, shattered, destroyed...

What does it mean to truly be broken?  Can a person really be shattered?  Is the spirit of a man (or woman) truly able to be destroyed?

I never used to believe in love.  Sure, I've used the word before, I'm sure that everyone else has too but I never really knew what it meant until now.

If you truly love someone, they have the ability to make you feel whole or to break your heart into a million tiny pieces.  If you really do care about someone, they can lift your spirit higher than an eagle flies or bury you so deep that you suffocate under the weight of the pain.

I didn't know that love had such power; I didn't know that a simple emotion could leave such a lasting effect, but then, love never is truly simple, is it?

I know now that I have truly loved someone, though I always suspected it to be the case.  The evidence is not, however, in the joy that I feel from being with this person; instead, the proof lies in the pain I feel now that I want to enjoy the company of someone new.  That's the inherent problem, you see:  we don't know what we have until it is taken away from us and we don't know how deep the wounds are until someone sticks their finger in.

I have tried to move on, tried to grow, and tried to change.  I have made a concerted effort to go on with my life and live for myself, but to no avail.  I have met someone that I truly care about; someone whose time I enjoy and who can actually bring the light of joy to my jaded spirit.  That's the worst part, I think; because I now know again a spark of happiness, I realize the void left behind that can never be lit again.

I think that I'm broken, shattered beyond repair.  I hate that I loved someone once and now I'm ruined, like the dress that you spilled red wine on the first time that you wore it.  I'm going to have to tell the new person in my life, but I don't want to give up on the last strand of hope.  Sometimes it's necessary though.  Sometimes we need to know that there is no hope so that we can just settle into the painful rut of existence.

It's just not fair that mistakes that seemed so small, so innocent, can still haunt me to this day.  It's not right that, because of a simple decision, the rest of my life is ruined.  I hate that something that I did so very long ago can condemn me to a life alone.  It's just the way of the world.

I'm broken; I'm shattered; I'm destroyed.  I loved once, and was loved, and will never be the same again.  Anything else is just a dull glow to a heart that has once seen - and been burned by - the light.  Never again will my heart be warm in the cold still of night.

Random idea of the day: When the soda is almost full and you shake it up, it has nowhere else to go but out...

I never knew that it would be this hard

We often make changes in our lives - that is simply the way we are built.  As we grow older and make decisions about what to do, where to go and how to live, we are always changing, but sometimes we make drastic changes.  I'm not talking about the changes in our outlook or our lifestyles that occur slowly over time; I'm talking about the extreme changes that we make overnight.  Sometimes we prepare for them and sometimes we don't, but most of the time we realize that we can never prepare enough.

I moved recently; I'm not talking about down the street or across town here, I'm talking about moving to another city on the other side of the state.  It seemed like a great idea (and I am still convinced that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made) but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the places that I had known for so long.

I moved to a place that I am familiar with in theory but where I am truly lost in practice.  It's not like it used to be because places change just as much as people do and I have used my GPS more than ever since I have been back here.  The simplest destinations are lost on me which is such a difficult thing to deal with sometimes because I am used to not only knowing where everything of interest is, but also knowing the fastest way to get there.  I will get used to it and I will adapt because I must.  I am beginning a new chapter in the story of my life and a new setting is something I will have to deal with.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the memories I have made in nearly a decade.
I moved to a place where I can make new memories but the old ones still haunt me; no, haunt is the wrong word.  The old memories of people, places and things are still so prominent in the back of my mind but they are out of place and out of context in my daily life.  Two of my best friends have died in the recent past and I said goodbye to one in ICU and placed him in the ground and said goodbye to the other at the funeral and cried uncontrollably and the suddenness of her passing.  I will always have memories of them but, with time, even memories fade.  Where I used to live, I remembered our time together almost everywhere I went because we had been there or talked about it or something.  Where I used to live, I could go visit them where they rest at any time I chose.  Now, they are so far away and there is nothing to remind me of them anymore in my daily life.  I pray every day that I don't forget them, even as new memories take precedence and I can feel the fading of the old ones.  This is a new chapter in my life with new memories but I don't want the old ones to lose strength.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the friends I had made.

I moved back to a place where I am surrounded by family.  I love my family dearly, more than anything, and haven't had the opportunity to spend as much of my life with them as I would have liked.  Though I am working on that now, I realize something:  they aren't my only family.  Truly, the good friends that I made where I came from are as much my family as my actual relatives are.  I miss them every day that I am not there.  What makes it harder is that, since they all have each other, I am not so sure that they miss me.  We send the occasional text message and talk (usually briefly) once in awhile but those instances get fewer and farther between.  Meanwhile I am in a new place and time trying like hell to replace the people that I love with new ones because I am fairly certain that the old characters in my story are in the process of writing me out of their lives.

Think of life as a great epic novel.  Every chapter is a new beginning and, I suppose, every beginning must have and end.  Some of the people, places and things in our lives can carry on throughout the storyline but, as in all books, some of them simply fade away.  Some of them were simply minor subplots on the road and were never truly as important to the overall theme as we wanted (or hoped for) them to be.  That is the challenge:  trying to sort out what is important enough to keep through each new chapter and being willing to give up on the things that suddenly don't matter anymore.  To make things worse, each person tells their own story so what seems to you to be a major component of the tale might, to the other person, simply be a footnote.  I realize more and more every day that, to some of the people who I love the most, I don't matter as much to them as they do to me.

I never knew that it would be this hard to move on.

I never knew that it would be this hard to change.

I miss you and I love you and I can never find the words to tell you that make it right...

The deck is stacked against us...

I was in love once...

It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...

It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...

I was STILL in love once...

I truly still love him to this day...

I truly still think about him constantly...

I truly can't get him out of my head...

"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)

Just what does this mean for me?  It means that I love someone and can never let him go.  It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind.  It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.

Why must I suffer so?  Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity.  As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws.  If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart.  You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.

I do still love him.  That is a true statement.  I dream about him nightly.  It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real.  I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever.  Dreams can be so cruel.

We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion.  It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be.  Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us?  Why must the house always win?

Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)) are still punished for their good fortune.  Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.

If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change.  We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life.  The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.

There is no "one" right person for anyone.  I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now.  The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving.  Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly.  In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate?  Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me.  He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over.  There is nothing that can break that cycle.  Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.

I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder:  did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection?  Did we have what it took to be together always?  If so, then I really fucked shit up.  It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.

Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to.  Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care.  My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...

Have you ever noticed...?

Have you ever noticed that nothing seems to work the way that you want it to?
All philosophical bullshit aside, there are simply no certainties in life save one - nothing ever truly goes exactly as planned.

Take my day for instance:  I spent the day with family.  Check one for predictability on the Easter holiday, but things aren't always what they seem... I spent the day sleeping in due to my massive headache (a broken nose will do that to you) and then checked on my grandmother (totally the early bird gets the worm type- has now become the second mouse gets the cheese type) before showering, getting dressed, and going over to my cousin's to see if she needed help getting the meal ready for all of us.

She didn't need help (okay, that part WAS predictable) so I made a couple minor trips to the grocery store in order to collect essentials for the meal.  In there came a shocking minor bond with my second cousin (who is adorable and who I can almost think of as an adult if it just wouldn't make me feel so damned old) over an argument (and a guy) that we have discussed in weeks prior.  Yes, times have changed; yes, I have assumed too much.
So store trips are over and the family gathers for a meal and we spend some time together and then it's all freaking over.  In the mere space of an hour we had spent enough time as a collective to be ready to end our time together so damned quickly.  My second cousins ran off to do their own thing (I'm not enough of a cougar yet to pursue what she and I talked about earlier) and my cousins moved to the responsibilities of their lives as hostesses and spouses.  Meanwhile, a friend and I decided to spend the evening in the company of each other and so we, too, went our own ways.

He and I went to his place, had a couple drinks, had a couple laughs, told a couple stories, and, in general, did everything but admit that the one thing that makes each of us happy is the company of the other.  Granted, I already expect that when I am with him, I have grown accustomed to it, but I didn't expect it on today of all days.

So have you ever noticed that things never work out just like you planned?  Take my friend and I, for instance:  as much as he and I make each other happy in every way possible (don't get me wrong - we haven't wandered too far down the physical path) we just can' admit that we would have to deviate from the plans that we both have in order to make things work properly.  So, instead of risking the fact that something would have to go differently than we thought it would, we just ignore the simple feeling of joy and elation that we feel in the company of each other.

I blame the world that we live in.  Instead of looking for the good in everything, we are taught to wait for the "way things are supposed to be."  Instead of hoping for the best, we are always planning... planning kills hope, by it's very nature.  I hate the world for making us behave this way.  It's unfair and it's something that no one should have to succumb to.

"Just because a door is closed doesn't mean that it is locked..." (author unknown)  That quote is something that I am trying to keep in the front of my mind these days.  You never know where life is going to take you but you have to be willing to try and follow it through.  That's what those words say to me but have you ever noticed that no one else is willing to check out the options?

Random idea of the day: A mountain with a rough face is easier to climb than one that is smooth... (author unknown)

Disheartening, to say the least...

Isn't it funny how we can have so much respect for someone and then, with just a few words, they can shake us to the very core?

I was, of course, having a deeply philosophical debate with someone that I truly and deeply admire - or at least I did.  I've always considered myself to be open to new ideas and I try to associate with people who think the same.  While participating in a lively chat about the links between modern American politics and the influence of various prominent religions, something was said that shook me to the core.  I've met hardcore conservatives before and had talks with some of the most liberal people as well, but the shocker was that someone I considered to be an intellectual said something that shook the understanding that I thought I had about them to the very core.

One of my favorite topics to discuss is the freedom of religion (or lack thereof) in our overly conservative "modern" society.  When this came up, one of the people that I tend to debate with often (and who usually tends to be on my side due to what I felt was a mutual understanding) made the following observation:  "Of course the Constitution protects the freedom of religion in America.  You are free to be part of any Christian religion that you choose."

This statement stunned me so much at first that I couldn't respond.  It was only after several minutes of silence that I could even get back into the discussion at hand.  Why was this pronouncement so shocking to me?  Was it simply because it exposed my supposedly open-minded friend for the closet conservative that he was?  Maybe it was because I couldn't believe that any truly free-thinking and equality-minded individual could openly profess such a belief.  What was the reason for my loss of focus at a moment when I would normally be the first one to tear down and attack the subtle bigotry inherent in such a declaration?

It is only after nearly a day of trying (unsuccessfully) to think about everything else but that statement and the ensuing discussion that I have come to realize the two major problems that arose in my mind.  First and foremost, I did the wrong thing and simply ignored a statement by a friend (or at least a colleague) in order to preserve my own image of our "likeminded" beliefs in true freedom.  Secondly, I realized that, though I am the first to champion freedom of religion and the first to criticize any overly moral legislation as hampering that very right, I too feel the same way!

I would never profess such a belief and can very easily call to mind each and every reason that such a way of thinking is wrong and even potential harmful en masse, but truthfully I now have just the tiniest understanding of how the jihadists feel.  When you are raised a certain way and you grow up thinking only one thing is right then no amount of education or exploration of other possibilities can break you of the influence that a system of beliefs can have over your innermost thoughts and feelings.

This is a problem that we all feel, I fear.  Those of us who were raised in the church (I do not capitalize here because I refer broadly to any church at all) can not shake the hold of our religion over our deepest emotional responses.  I'm not talking about holiday holiness here people, I'm talking about people who are coached their entire lives to believe that something is true.  That, after all, is the very reason that man created religion to begin with:  in order to ingrain a system of beliefs on groups of people to make it easier to maintain power over societies.

No, I am not an atheist.  I do believe in God, specifically the God of my understanding (catch the reference to AA and NA and then check out Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book: New Personal Stories for the Year 2008 and Bill W.: The absorbing and deeply moving life story of Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous for some in-depth understanding of what I mean here and some tips that can help in the lives of anyone who is feeling lost).

If there is one thing that the twelve steps taught me in my exploration of self it was that no one religion has it right.  Religion was made by man, after all, and no religious text can deny it.  Even Jesus Himself did not make the Christian religion, as it were, people; He simply set out some basic tenets and left the formation of His church (Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code: A Historian Reveals What We Really Know about Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Constantine and The Da Vinci Code, Special Illustrated Edition (Hardcover) are EXCELLENT reads if you want to understand the real story behind the formation of the modern churches and the various offshoot denominations) in the hands of men.  That's right, you die-hard Christians - Jesus let men write down and set all the rules that now make up the dogmas of the various Christian denominations.  Read the Good Book itself and look for the rules that He Himself wrote and then compare them to the things that the churches do in His name.

This brings to mind an interesting quote from Sarah McLachlan:  "Dear God, I don't know if you noticed but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book... and as crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look..." (from the song Dear God available on the album Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff pictured at the top of this article).  The entire song is a letter to the God of her understanding talking about the false gods that are being credited as the cause for wars and anger and hatred among mankind.  I think Sarah makes some good points...

Still I find it hard to break away from the training that I was given in my younger days.  I know that I have a relationship with God, with the God of my understanding, and I know that we are close but sometimes the trappings of the old religious dogma still cause me to pause.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking in the closed-minded way that all religions of every type seem to end up teaching as right.  If I myself can fall into this trap then maybe the problem is worse than I thought?  The simple fact is that organized religion is a source of power for a very few fueled by the masses that accept it without hesitation.  The very fact that more and bloodier wars have been fought in the name of religion than for any other reason in the entire expanse of human history proves one thing to me:  the evil of a man is intent on destroying everything good.

"The blight of corruption that lies within the heart of humanity has managed to obscure even the true light of God that shines upon the earth and shades us instead with false hope and man-made dogma..."  That last quote is mine.  Came to me just now... like it or hate it, but no one can deny that it rings true.  Think Jim and Tammy Fae, think Ferdinand and Isabella, think Constantine himself and then wonder where we are headed...

Random idea for the day: No matter how far you run from yourself, you always catch up.

Random idea of the day: Why can't we give up work for Lent? Or at least just Mondays...

New Stuff going on... changes, changes, changes...

I would like to point out a new feature that I am going to try to keep up with daily here at my Outsider blog.  I am going to start posting a "Random Idea of the Day" in the spirit of the Chicken Soup for the Soul compendiums (if you haven't taken the time to read one of the many variations of these, I suggest that you do - definitely worth it).  I already often blog from my mobile device (let's be technical here) and I adore my smartphone (Samsung Reclaim M560 Phone, Earth Green (Sprint)) but I'm not quite making full use of the abilities that it gives me.  So I am going to post direct from my smartphone via sms what could be a deep philosophical truth or could simply amount to the silly crap that goes through my head sometimes.  The point is that I am going to do this and then, one day, when I look back on all of my Random Idea, I will understand why they have locked me in a padded room.

Random idea of the day: tis the season to express our feelings to our loved ones so have a great VD this weekend!

Random idea of the day: If life is but a dream, then whomever's imagination we're living in is seriously fucked off - just look how screwy the damned world is!

Random idea of the day: When you meet someone's parents for the first time you should NEVER ask if they are the reason he/she is so good in the sack.

Random idea of the day: When life hands you lemons, squeeze them into the eyes of the jerks who ruined your day.

Random idea of the day: The more you want what you don't need, the more the line blurs between desires and essentials; "have to have it" becomes relative.

Is the movie over already...?

So it's been an incredibly long time since I've actually had the opportunity to post anything. I am going to try and remedy that. I find that I miss being able to sign in here and say whatever the hell I want. It's a great way to relieve stress and work through problems because I can write whatever I feel like and no one can do a damn thing about it! I have decided that blogging is quite therapeutic and considerably cheaper than actually going to therapy.

Side note: don't judge me. There are lots of people who are in therapy and, if you want the honest truth, the ones who don't go are really the ones that seem to need it the most.

Alright, so I'm not going to spend my first blog in forever ranting and raving about politics or religion or some existential sense of human nature. Instead, I'm going to talk about the crap that's going on quite close to home, right here in my very own life.

At 29 years old, I have finally decided that it is time to grow up. I realized a long time ago that this horrible west Texas town in which I live is really nothing more than a black hole that sucks you in and clamps down on your very soul to keep you here in what is commonly called the "buckle of the Bible belt." Funny thing about belt buckles: they tend to be gaudy, bulky, and worth less than the hunk of metal they are made from, though they are generally priced at about ten times what they are actually worth. Come to think of it, that really does describe Abilene, but I digress.

I made the firm decision that it was time for a change. I am working on getting the license necessary to have a career - that's right, I said it. Doesn't that sound grown up? I even took a bit of my own advice and made the decision that in order to save money before I start my program next January, I should just get out of this ridiculous town while the getting is good and stay with my grandmother. It would be cheaper, there are more job opportunities in the Houston area (and of course the pay is better) and that's where I need to be for school anyway. I know it sounds silly to move in with granny but sometimes in life you have to take a step backward in order to move forward.

I even went so far as to set a date for this change. I have been doing everything that I can to prepare myself for the worst part of any move: the actual moving itself. I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than have to move, but unfortunately, it's a necessary evil.

A strange thing has happened though. As much as I am thrilled to be leaving this horrible desert town full of hypocritical heathens and moving back home to family and old friends and heathens who don't try to hide it, I have started to have second thoughts about leaving. At first I was sure that it was just the soul-sucking power of Abilene that was creating my doubts but then I realized that as much as I don't want to be here and even with all of the reasons I have to go, there are some good things about my time in Abilene (score one point for my therapist). One of those redeeming factors is the fact that I have made quite a few friends in my time here. There are many people that I will miss and I am extremely close to some of them.

The realization that I was soon to be separated from people about which I care so dearly was like a ton of bricks. Of course I have responded in the only natural way and am trying to spend as much time with those people as I can, between work and class and preparing to move into the next phase of my life.

Lately, though, I feel like I've just seen a thrilling, edge of your seat wonder of cinematography, only to be confused at the conclusion because it builds and builds on itself until it just simply ends. What I mean to say is I feel like a disappointed moviegoer. Where is the resolution phase of the story development? Why does this part of my life suddenly seem that it is just going to stop at the end of the chapter with no transition into the future.

I think that part of the reason that I feel so dejected is that, though I truly want to spend time with my friends, it almost seems that they have already written me off. It's like they have chosen to go ahead and cut their losses and just kill me off so that I no longer have a part in the storyline. I'm sure that's not how they mean to make me feel - or is it?

I'm so confused. I really don't want to leave my friends behind but I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and, for once in my life, I am going to be a selfish bastard and do just that. I just don't want them to forget about me so soon. Dammit, I'm not even fucking gone yet.

Maybe I'm overreacting and things aren't really as bad as they seem. All I know is that I'm going to take charge with the little time that I have left. I'm going to write myself into the end of this chapter one way or another. If I get to spend time with my friends before I go then I will be happy as can be; but if they really do write me off too soon, then that's just more incentive to get the hell out of here because obviously the friendships that I value so dearly don't really mean as much as I think that they do. Either way I come out on top and since I've always been the guy who bends over backwards for other people I am going to make damn sure that I take care of me first for a change!