I never knew that it would be this hard

We often make changes in our lives - that is simply the way we are built.  As we grow older and make decisions about what to do, where to go and how to live, we are always changing, but sometimes we make drastic changes.  I'm not talking about the changes in our outlook or our lifestyles that occur slowly over time; I'm talking about the extreme changes that we make overnight.  Sometimes we prepare for them and sometimes we don't, but most of the time we realize that we can never prepare enough.

I moved recently; I'm not talking about down the street or across town here, I'm talking about moving to another city on the other side of the state.  It seemed like a great idea (and I am still convinced that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made) but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the places that I had known for so long.

I moved to a place that I am familiar with in theory but where I am truly lost in practice.  It's not like it used to be because places change just as much as people do and I have used my GPS more than ever since I have been back here.  The simplest destinations are lost on me which is such a difficult thing to deal with sometimes because I am used to not only knowing where everything of interest is, but also knowing the fastest way to get there.  I will get used to it and I will adapt because I must.  I am beginning a new chapter in the story of my life and a new setting is something I will have to deal with.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the memories I have made in nearly a decade.
I moved to a place where I can make new memories but the old ones still haunt me; no, haunt is the wrong word.  The old memories of people, places and things are still so prominent in the back of my mind but they are out of place and out of context in my daily life.  Two of my best friends have died in the recent past and I said goodbye to one in ICU and placed him in the ground and said goodbye to the other at the funeral and cried uncontrollably and the suddenness of her passing.  I will always have memories of them but, with time, even memories fade.  Where I used to live, I remembered our time together almost everywhere I went because we had been there or talked about it or something.  Where I used to live, I could go visit them where they rest at any time I chose.  Now, they are so far away and there is nothing to remind me of them anymore in my daily life.  I pray every day that I don't forget them, even as new memories take precedence and I can feel the fading of the old ones.  This is a new chapter in my life with new memories but I don't want the old ones to lose strength.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the friends I had made.

I moved back to a place where I am surrounded by family.  I love my family dearly, more than anything, and haven't had the opportunity to spend as much of my life with them as I would have liked.  Though I am working on that now, I realize something:  they aren't my only family.  Truly, the good friends that I made where I came from are as much my family as my actual relatives are.  I miss them every day that I am not there.  What makes it harder is that, since they all have each other, I am not so sure that they miss me.  We send the occasional text message and talk (usually briefly) once in awhile but those instances get fewer and farther between.  Meanwhile I am in a new place and time trying like hell to replace the people that I love with new ones because I am fairly certain that the old characters in my story are in the process of writing me out of their lives.

Think of life as a great epic novel.  Every chapter is a new beginning and, I suppose, every beginning must have and end.  Some of the people, places and things in our lives can carry on throughout the storyline but, as in all books, some of them simply fade away.  Some of them were simply minor subplots on the road and were never truly as important to the overall theme as we wanted (or hoped for) them to be.  That is the challenge:  trying to sort out what is important enough to keep through each new chapter and being willing to give up on the things that suddenly don't matter anymore.  To make things worse, each person tells their own story so what seems to you to be a major component of the tale might, to the other person, simply be a footnote.  I realize more and more every day that, to some of the people who I love the most, I don't matter as much to them as they do to me.

I never knew that it would be this hard to move on.

I never knew that it would be this hard to change.