I never knew that it would be this hard

We often make changes in our lives - that is simply the way we are built.  As we grow older and make decisions about what to do, where to go and how to live, we are always changing, but sometimes we make drastic changes.  I'm not talking about the changes in our outlook or our lifestyles that occur slowly over time; I'm talking about the extreme changes that we make overnight.  Sometimes we prepare for them and sometimes we don't, but most of the time we realize that we can never prepare enough.

I moved recently; I'm not talking about down the street or across town here, I'm talking about moving to another city on the other side of the state.  It seemed like a great idea (and I am still convinced that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made) but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the places that I had known for so long.

I moved to a place that I am familiar with in theory but where I am truly lost in practice.  It's not like it used to be because places change just as much as people do and I have used my GPS more than ever since I have been back here.  The simplest destinations are lost on me which is such a difficult thing to deal with sometimes because I am used to not only knowing where everything of interest is, but also knowing the fastest way to get there.  I will get used to it and I will adapt because I must.  I am beginning a new chapter in the story of my life and a new setting is something I will have to deal with.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the memories I have made in nearly a decade.
I moved to a place where I can make new memories but the old ones still haunt me; no, haunt is the wrong word.  The old memories of people, places and things are still so prominent in the back of my mind but they are out of place and out of context in my daily life.  Two of my best friends have died in the recent past and I said goodbye to one in ICU and placed him in the ground and said goodbye to the other at the funeral and cried uncontrollably and the suddenness of her passing.  I will always have memories of them but, with time, even memories fade.  Where I used to live, I remembered our time together almost everywhere I went because we had been there or talked about it or something.  Where I used to live, I could go visit them where they rest at any time I chose.  Now, they are so far away and there is nothing to remind me of them anymore in my daily life.  I pray every day that I don't forget them, even as new memories take precedence and I can feel the fading of the old ones.  This is a new chapter in my life with new memories but I don't want the old ones to lose strength.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the friends I had made.

I moved back to a place where I am surrounded by family.  I love my family dearly, more than anything, and haven't had the opportunity to spend as much of my life with them as I would have liked.  Though I am working on that now, I realize something:  they aren't my only family.  Truly, the good friends that I made where I came from are as much my family as my actual relatives are.  I miss them every day that I am not there.  What makes it harder is that, since they all have each other, I am not so sure that they miss me.  We send the occasional text message and talk (usually briefly) once in awhile but those instances get fewer and farther between.  Meanwhile I am in a new place and time trying like hell to replace the people that I love with new ones because I am fairly certain that the old characters in my story are in the process of writing me out of their lives.

Think of life as a great epic novel.  Every chapter is a new beginning and, I suppose, every beginning must have and end.  Some of the people, places and things in our lives can carry on throughout the storyline but, as in all books, some of them simply fade away.  Some of them were simply minor subplots on the road and were never truly as important to the overall theme as we wanted (or hoped for) them to be.  That is the challenge:  trying to sort out what is important enough to keep through each new chapter and being willing to give up on the things that suddenly don't matter anymore.  To make things worse, each person tells their own story so what seems to you to be a major component of the tale might, to the other person, simply be a footnote.  I realize more and more every day that, to some of the people who I love the most, I don't matter as much to them as they do to me.

I never knew that it would be this hard to move on.

I never knew that it would be this hard to change.

The deck is stacked against us...

I was in love once...

It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...

It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...

I was STILL in love once...

I truly still love him to this day...

I truly still think about him constantly...

I truly can't get him out of my head...

"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)

Just what does this mean for me?  It means that I love someone and can never let him go.  It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind.  It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.

Why must I suffer so?  Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity.  As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws.  If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart.  You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.

I do still love him.  That is a true statement.  I dream about him nightly.  It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real.  I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever.  Dreams can be so cruel.

We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion.  It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be.  Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us?  Why must the house always win?

Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)) are still punished for their good fortune.  Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.

If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change.  We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life.  The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.

There is no "one" right person for anyone.  I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now.  The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving.  Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly.  In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate?  Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me.  He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over.  There is nothing that can break that cycle.  Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.

I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder:  did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection?  Did we have what it took to be together always?  If so, then I really fucked shit up.  It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.

Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to.  Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care.  My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...

Is the movie over already...?

So it's been an incredibly long time since I've actually had the opportunity to post anything. I am going to try and remedy that. I find that I miss being able to sign in here and say whatever the hell I want. It's a great way to relieve stress and work through problems because I can write whatever I feel like and no one can do a damn thing about it! I have decided that blogging is quite therapeutic and considerably cheaper than actually going to therapy.

Side note: don't judge me. There are lots of people who are in therapy and, if you want the honest truth, the ones who don't go are really the ones that seem to need it the most.

Alright, so I'm not going to spend my first blog in forever ranting and raving about politics or religion or some existential sense of human nature. Instead, I'm going to talk about the crap that's going on quite close to home, right here in my very own life.

At 29 years old, I have finally decided that it is time to grow up. I realized a long time ago that this horrible west Texas town in which I live is really nothing more than a black hole that sucks you in and clamps down on your very soul to keep you here in what is commonly called the "buckle of the Bible belt." Funny thing about belt buckles: they tend to be gaudy, bulky, and worth less than the hunk of metal they are made from, though they are generally priced at about ten times what they are actually worth. Come to think of it, that really does describe Abilene, but I digress.

I made the firm decision that it was time for a change. I am working on getting the license necessary to have a career - that's right, I said it. Doesn't that sound grown up? I even took a bit of my own advice and made the decision that in order to save money before I start my program next January, I should just get out of this ridiculous town while the getting is good and stay with my grandmother. It would be cheaper, there are more job opportunities in the Houston area (and of course the pay is better) and that's where I need to be for school anyway. I know it sounds silly to move in with granny but sometimes in life you have to take a step backward in order to move forward.

I even went so far as to set a date for this change. I have been doing everything that I can to prepare myself for the worst part of any move: the actual moving itself. I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than have to move, but unfortunately, it's a necessary evil.

A strange thing has happened though. As much as I am thrilled to be leaving this horrible desert town full of hypocritical heathens and moving back home to family and old friends and heathens who don't try to hide it, I have started to have second thoughts about leaving. At first I was sure that it was just the soul-sucking power of Abilene that was creating my doubts but then I realized that as much as I don't want to be here and even with all of the reasons I have to go, there are some good things about my time in Abilene (score one point for my therapist). One of those redeeming factors is the fact that I have made quite a few friends in my time here. There are many people that I will miss and I am extremely close to some of them.

The realization that I was soon to be separated from people about which I care so dearly was like a ton of bricks. Of course I have responded in the only natural way and am trying to spend as much time with those people as I can, between work and class and preparing to move into the next phase of my life.

Lately, though, I feel like I've just seen a thrilling, edge of your seat wonder of cinematography, only to be confused at the conclusion because it builds and builds on itself until it just simply ends. What I mean to say is I feel like a disappointed moviegoer. Where is the resolution phase of the story development? Why does this part of my life suddenly seem that it is just going to stop at the end of the chapter with no transition into the future.

I think that part of the reason that I feel so dejected is that, though I truly want to spend time with my friends, it almost seems that they have already written me off. It's like they have chosen to go ahead and cut their losses and just kill me off so that I no longer have a part in the storyline. I'm sure that's not how they mean to make me feel - or is it?

I'm so confused. I really don't want to leave my friends behind but I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and, for once in my life, I am going to be a selfish bastard and do just that. I just don't want them to forget about me so soon. Dammit, I'm not even fucking gone yet.

Maybe I'm overreacting and things aren't really as bad as they seem. All I know is that I'm going to take charge with the little time that I have left. I'm going to write myself into the end of this chapter one way or another. If I get to spend time with my friends before I go then I will be happy as can be; but if they really do write me off too soon, then that's just more incentive to get the hell out of here because obviously the friendships that I value so dearly don't really mean as much as I think that they do. Either way I come out on top and since I've always been the guy who bends over backwards for other people I am going to make damn sure that I take care of me first for a change!

Taking the High Road... Fucking Friendships...

"I took the high road. I did not intervene. I hurt my friend. He felt and he hurt and he learned a lesson but I didn't make it any better. What kind of friend am I? I hurt him because I didn't save him."

This was the thought going through my mind at 3:30 this morning. This was the rut that I dug myself into as I listened to my friend pour out his heart about his last relationship. This was the thing that was eating at my soul while my friend cried and talked about his pain.

Friendships fucking suck. It sucks to be friends with someone when you know things that will hurt them. It sucks to be friends with TWO people when you know things about each of them that will disillusion the other and infringe on the happiness of either of them. It's just really fucking hard to care about people.

There are so many problems with knowing things; so many things wrong with knowledge of someone else's business. I hate when people tell me things. I really can't stand when someone confides in me if only because I never know what to do. Common decency says that one should never go around blabbing the business (whether "secret" or otherwise) of another person to the world. What do you do when you are under the teary-eyed gaze of the person that those things hurt though? How do you deal with that? Moreover, how do you deal with the fact that, had you been more forthcoming with the information that is not yours to give out, you may have been able to prevent the tears and forego the pain? What do you do when, through inaction, you are somewhat at fault?

That's why I have such a hard time having friends. I confide in no one and I really don't like when others confide in me. True friends require trust and the sharing of information and I avoid that like the plague. It's much easier just to stay out of everyone else's business and keep my hands off of everyone else's lives. I don't want to play chess with other people's hearts. No one ever seems to win that game.

Why do we make our friends suffer so? No, I'm not talking about making them suffer by keeping things from them; I'm talking about making them suffer by TELLING them shit to begin with! We have no right to put other people in the position to make such a difficult decision. Think about the problem for a moment: cause pain by remaining loyal to a friend (or one friend if you are close to everyone involved) or cause pain by spilling your guts at the first sign of tension. When is it appropriate to tell? When is it necessary to give out information and what reasons justify such action? It's a hellish conundrum with no real answer and any decision that is made results in the suffering of someone (or everyone) involved.

That's why friendships suck. Just don't tell me shit that you don't want everyone to know because, from now on, to avoid any conflict, I'm an open book. The new disclaimer on my life is going to be: "If you tell me something, I will probably write a fucking blog about it and EVERYONE will know. No more keeping other people's dirty little secrets."