I miss you and I love you and I can never find the words to tell you that make it right...

The deck is stacked against us...

I was in love once...

It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...

It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...

I was STILL in love once...

I truly still love him to this day...

I truly still think about him constantly...

I truly can't get him out of my head...

"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)

Just what does this mean for me?  It means that I love someone and can never let him go.  It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind.  It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.

Why must I suffer so?  Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity.  As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws.  If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart.  You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.

I do still love him.  That is a true statement.  I dream about him nightly.  It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real.  I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever.  Dreams can be so cruel.

We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion.  It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be.  Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us?  Why must the house always win?

Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)) are still punished for their good fortune.  Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.

If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change.  We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life.  The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.

There is no "one" right person for anyone.  I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now.  The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving.  Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly.  In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate?  Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me.  He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over.  There is nothing that can break that cycle.  Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.

I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder:  did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection?  Did we have what it took to be together always?  If so, then I really fucked shit up.  It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.

Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to.  Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care.  My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...

Have you ever noticed...?

Have you ever noticed that nothing seems to work the way that you want it to?
All philosophical bullshit aside, there are simply no certainties in life save one - nothing ever truly goes exactly as planned.

Take my day for instance:  I spent the day with family.  Check one for predictability on the Easter holiday, but things aren't always what they seem... I spent the day sleeping in due to my massive headache (a broken nose will do that to you) and then checked on my grandmother (totally the early bird gets the worm type- has now become the second mouse gets the cheese type) before showering, getting dressed, and going over to my cousin's to see if she needed help getting the meal ready for all of us.

She didn't need help (okay, that part WAS predictable) so I made a couple minor trips to the grocery store in order to collect essentials for the meal.  In there came a shocking minor bond with my second cousin (who is adorable and who I can almost think of as an adult if it just wouldn't make me feel so damned old) over an argument (and a guy) that we have discussed in weeks prior.  Yes, times have changed; yes, I have assumed too much.
So store trips are over and the family gathers for a meal and we spend some time together and then it's all freaking over.  In the mere space of an hour we had spent enough time as a collective to be ready to end our time together so damned quickly.  My second cousins ran off to do their own thing (I'm not enough of a cougar yet to pursue what she and I talked about earlier) and my cousins moved to the responsibilities of their lives as hostesses and spouses.  Meanwhile, a friend and I decided to spend the evening in the company of each other and so we, too, went our own ways.

He and I went to his place, had a couple drinks, had a couple laughs, told a couple stories, and, in general, did everything but admit that the one thing that makes each of us happy is the company of the other.  Granted, I already expect that when I am with him, I have grown accustomed to it, but I didn't expect it on today of all days.

So have you ever noticed that things never work out just like you planned?  Take my friend and I, for instance:  as much as he and I make each other happy in every way possible (don't get me wrong - we haven't wandered too far down the physical path) we just can' admit that we would have to deviate from the plans that we both have in order to make things work properly.  So, instead of risking the fact that something would have to go differently than we thought it would, we just ignore the simple feeling of joy and elation that we feel in the company of each other.

I blame the world that we live in.  Instead of looking for the good in everything, we are taught to wait for the "way things are supposed to be."  Instead of hoping for the best, we are always planning... planning kills hope, by it's very nature.  I hate the world for making us behave this way.  It's unfair and it's something that no one should have to succumb to.

"Just because a door is closed doesn't mean that it is locked..." (author unknown)  That quote is something that I am trying to keep in the front of my mind these days.  You never know where life is going to take you but you have to be willing to try and follow it through.  That's what those words say to me but have you ever noticed that no one else is willing to check out the options?

Random idea of the day: A mountain with a rough face is easier to climb than one that is smooth... (author unknown)

Disheartening, to say the least...

Isn't it funny how we can have so much respect for someone and then, with just a few words, they can shake us to the very core?

I was, of course, having a deeply philosophical debate with someone that I truly and deeply admire - or at least I did.  I've always considered myself to be open to new ideas and I try to associate with people who think the same.  While participating in a lively chat about the links between modern American politics and the influence of various prominent religions, something was said that shook me to the core.  I've met hardcore conservatives before and had talks with some of the most liberal people as well, but the shocker was that someone I considered to be an intellectual said something that shook the understanding that I thought I had about them to the very core.

One of my favorite topics to discuss is the freedom of religion (or lack thereof) in our overly conservative "modern" society.  When this came up, one of the people that I tend to debate with often (and who usually tends to be on my side due to what I felt was a mutual understanding) made the following observation:  "Of course the Constitution protects the freedom of religion in America.  You are free to be part of any Christian religion that you choose."

This statement stunned me so much at first that I couldn't respond.  It was only after several minutes of silence that I could even get back into the discussion at hand.  Why was this pronouncement so shocking to me?  Was it simply because it exposed my supposedly open-minded friend for the closet conservative that he was?  Maybe it was because I couldn't believe that any truly free-thinking and equality-minded individual could openly profess such a belief.  What was the reason for my loss of focus at a moment when I would normally be the first one to tear down and attack the subtle bigotry inherent in such a declaration?

It is only after nearly a day of trying (unsuccessfully) to think about everything else but that statement and the ensuing discussion that I have come to realize the two major problems that arose in my mind.  First and foremost, I did the wrong thing and simply ignored a statement by a friend (or at least a colleague) in order to preserve my own image of our "likeminded" beliefs in true freedom.  Secondly, I realized that, though I am the first to champion freedom of religion and the first to criticize any overly moral legislation as hampering that very right, I too feel the same way!

I would never profess such a belief and can very easily call to mind each and every reason that such a way of thinking is wrong and even potential harmful en masse, but truthfully I now have just the tiniest understanding of how the jihadists feel.  When you are raised a certain way and you grow up thinking only one thing is right then no amount of education or exploration of other possibilities can break you of the influence that a system of beliefs can have over your innermost thoughts and feelings.

This is a problem that we all feel, I fear.  Those of us who were raised in the church (I do not capitalize here because I refer broadly to any church at all) can not shake the hold of our religion over our deepest emotional responses.  I'm not talking about holiday holiness here people, I'm talking about people who are coached their entire lives to believe that something is true.  That, after all, is the very reason that man created religion to begin with:  in order to ingrain a system of beliefs on groups of people to make it easier to maintain power over societies.

No, I am not an atheist.  I do believe in God, specifically the God of my understanding (catch the reference to AA and NA and then check out Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book: New Personal Stories for the Year 2008 and Bill W.: The absorbing and deeply moving life story of Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous for some in-depth understanding of what I mean here and some tips that can help in the lives of anyone who is feeling lost).

If there is one thing that the twelve steps taught me in my exploration of self it was that no one religion has it right.  Religion was made by man, after all, and no religious text can deny it.  Even Jesus Himself did not make the Christian religion, as it were, people; He simply set out some basic tenets and left the formation of His church (Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code: A Historian Reveals What We Really Know about Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Constantine and The Da Vinci Code, Special Illustrated Edition (Hardcover) are EXCELLENT reads if you want to understand the real story behind the formation of the modern churches and the various offshoot denominations) in the hands of men.  That's right, you die-hard Christians - Jesus let men write down and set all the rules that now make up the dogmas of the various Christian denominations.  Read the Good Book itself and look for the rules that He Himself wrote and then compare them to the things that the churches do in His name.

This brings to mind an interesting quote from Sarah McLachlan:  "Dear God, I don't know if you noticed but your name is on a lot of quotes in this book... and as crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look..." (from the song Dear God available on the album Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff pictured at the top of this article).  The entire song is a letter to the God of her understanding talking about the false gods that are being credited as the cause for wars and anger and hatred among mankind.  I think Sarah makes some good points...

Still I find it hard to break away from the training that I was given in my younger days.  I know that I have a relationship with God, with the God of my understanding, and I know that we are close but sometimes the trappings of the old religious dogma still cause me to pause.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking in the closed-minded way that all religions of every type seem to end up teaching as right.  If I myself can fall into this trap then maybe the problem is worse than I thought?  The simple fact is that organized religion is a source of power for a very few fueled by the masses that accept it without hesitation.  The very fact that more and bloodier wars have been fought in the name of religion than for any other reason in the entire expanse of human history proves one thing to me:  the evil of a man is intent on destroying everything good.

"The blight of corruption that lies within the heart of humanity has managed to obscure even the true light of God that shines upon the earth and shades us instead with false hope and man-made dogma..."  That last quote is mine.  Came to me just now... like it or hate it, but no one can deny that it rings true.  Think Jim and Tammy Fae, think Ferdinand and Isabella, think Constantine himself and then wonder where we are headed...

Random idea for the day: No matter how far you run from yourself, you always catch up.

Random idea of the day: Why can't we give up work for Lent? Or at least just Mondays...