It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...
It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...
I was STILL in love once...
I truly still love him to this day...
I truly still think about him constantly...
I truly can't get him out of my head...
"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)
Just what does this mean for me? It means that I love someone and can never let him go. It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind. It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.
Why must I suffer so? Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity. As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws. If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart. You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.
I do still love him. That is a true statement. I dream about him nightly. It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real. I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever. Dreams can be so cruel.
We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion. It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be. Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us? Why must the house always win?
Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)
) are still punished for their good fortune. Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change. We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life. The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.
There is no "one" right person for anyone. I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now. The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving. Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly. In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate? Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me. He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over. There is nothing that can break that cycle. Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.
I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder: did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection? Did we have what it took to be together always? If so, then I really fucked shit up. It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.
Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to. Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care. My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...
I must start first by saying that I don't think you are the one that screwed it all up. It takes two to mess something like love up. Second, I am a firm believer that there is that one person you are mean't to be with, however, as much as you think that if that is the case you have found and lost it I beg to differ, if he was your one and only you'd still be together. In reference to your right now for right now theory; the way I was raised I was taught A. while yes you do grow as the years pass, you grow together and make changes together, B. Never go to bed angry, even if it means you stay up all night arguing and miss work the next day your relationship is worth it. C. if it's mean't to be it will find a way. I know, I know, I am a true optimist and hopeless romantic. However, I base my theories on fact and proof. My parents were married at the ages of 19 and 21 in 1981 and they are still together to this day, and have survived raising 3 girls and a year of my dad working in another state in order to keep our house running. So yes, I believe in true love, soul-mate and all of that. I believe it can work. Jon, you will find someone you cannot live without, and it's okay to have standards. You will find the person who loves you for who you are and cares about you and the one that will be there for you no matter what. The one that will take care of you when you are sick, or just too tired to do anything productive. One that when you can't sleep will come sit and talk with you while you fall asleep. YOU WILL FIND HIM, the one who is good to you in all the aspects of being a partner. Don't lower your standards make them jump higher! I love you
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with being a true optimist! I used to and still sometimes do think the way that you do it's sometimes just very hard to deal with the thoughts, feelings and emotions that crop up within our hearts in our hours alone. Man is a social creature, after all, and I believe that no matter how jaded and cynical we become, we truly NEED friendship and companionship. Sometimes this is what we want most in the world, sometimes it is against our will, but it is always inherent in our design. Thank you for your optimism because people who truly believe that way cause me to continue to hold out hope for some old-fashioned romantic ideals to be true, but also understand that some of my life experiences have guaranteed my realism. We can hope against hope all we that want to but we need to always remember to not be too crushed when our hopes and dreams are unattainable or get dashed by the wayside by the cruelty of life. Thanks again for sharing your wonderful view, that's what makes life worth it (sharing and hearing the thoughts and feelings of others, I mean). Please continue to share your comments with me and I will continue to share my insights and, though we may both be right or both be wrong, at least we will learn more about ourselves and each other!