"I took the high road. I did not intervene. I hurt my friend. He felt and he hurt and he learned a lesson but I didn't make it any better. What kind of friend am I? I hurt him because I didn't save him."
This was the thought going through my mind at 3:30 this morning. This was the rut that I dug myself into as I listened to my friend pour out his heart about his last relationship. This was the thing that was eating at my soul while my friend cried and talked about his pain.
Friendships fucking suck. It sucks to be friends with someone when you know things that will hurt them. It sucks to be friends with TWO people when you know things about each of them that will disillusion the other and infringe on the happiness of either of them. It's just really fucking hard to care about people.
There are so many problems with knowing things; so many things wrong with knowledge of someone else's business. I hate when people tell me things. I really can't stand when someone confides in me if only because I never know what to do. Common decency says that one should never go around blabbing the business (whether "secret" or otherwise) of another person to the world. What do you do when you are under the teary-eyed gaze of the person that those things hurt though? How do you deal with that? Moreover, how do you deal with the fact that, had you been more forthcoming with the information that is not yours to give out, you may have been able to prevent the tears and forego the pain? What do you do when, through inaction, you are somewhat at fault?
That's why I have such a hard time having friends. I confide in no one and I really don't like when others confide in me. True friends require trust and the sharing of information and I avoid that like the plague. It's much easier just to stay out of everyone else's business and keep my hands off of everyone else's lives. I don't want to play chess with other people's hearts. No one ever seems to win that game.
Why do we make our friends suffer so? No, I'm not talking about making them suffer by keeping things from them; I'm talking about making them suffer by TELLING them shit to begin with! We have no right to put other people in the position to make such a difficult decision. Think about the problem for a moment: cause pain by remaining loyal to a friend (or one friend if you are close to everyone involved) or cause pain by spilling your guts at the first sign of tension. When is it appropriate to tell? When is it necessary to give out information and what reasons justify such action? It's a hellish conundrum with no real answer and any decision that is made results in the suffering of someone (or everyone) involved.
That's why friendships suck. Just don't tell me shit that you don't want everyone to know because, from now on, to avoid any conflict, I'm an open book. The new disclaimer on my life is going to be: "If you tell me something, I will probably write a fucking blog about it and EVERYONE will know. No more keeping other people's dirty little secrets."
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