Letter To My Lost Friend...

To our dearly departed friend,

I want you to know how much everyone misses you. It has been hard for all of us since you left. I saw your mom a short time ago and she seems to be doing better but of course, she’s still not her old self. Monday night classes are just not the same without you. It’s really awful not to be able to hear you laugh at everyone's comments or our teacher's jokes. I don’t really have anyone to go eat with afterward or watch the new movies I want to see. That was kind of our thing, you know, and I’m trying to figure out how to go on doing that stuff with you gone. I don’t understand why you left us but I’m sure that you had your reasons. I don’t know why you couldn’t talk to me about them – we talked about everything else. I wish I could have been there to help you but I wasn’t and that kind of makes me feel partially responsible. I feel like I failed you as a friend and I just wish I know what I could have done to make things better for you. I know that I can’t change things but I still want to. I at least want to learn what mistakes I made so that I don’t make them again. I can’t bear to let anyone else down like that. I really do wish I could have been there for you. I think about you every day and wonder “what if?” I don’t like the way this feels.

It was so unfair for you to do this to us, you know. We had no warning, no way of knowing anything was wrong. You didn’t let anyone in – didn’t tell anyone what was going on. That hurts so much. How can I get over something that I don’t understand? I cry sometimes when I think about you. That part really sucks. I want to think of the happy memories that I have of time we spent together. It just bothers me because as much as I want to remember the good times, it hurts so much that you’re gone. I cry and then I’m angry. I’m angry with you for leaving. I’m angry with you for the way you made us all feel. I’m angry with you for making everyone cry, for hurting us so badly. The problem is that I don’t want to be angry with you. I don’t want to feel this way and it hurts me even more that I can’t let it go. It’s not fair for me to be mad that you’re gone. You did what you felt you had to do so what right do I have to be mad at you for a decision you made about your own life? You decided it was time to go so you left.

I still miss you every day. I still smile at your memory, even after I cry, sometimes through the tears. I think everyone feels the same way. I don’t understand why you are gone but it doesn’t really matter because you are and that is something that is set in stone. I want you to be back here, with us, but that will never happen and so all I can do is laugh and cry and be angry all at once. I hate feeling this way. You know how much I try to control what I think and what I feel. I will always remember you and the good times that we had, I just want to try and forget the bad stuff and I guess that just takes time. I just want it to get easier and I’m afraid that all of my memories will stay tainted by my own anger and pain at the circumstances. I don’t want it to be this way anymore.

Know that I will think about you always, my dear departed friend…