Broken, shattered, destroyed...

What does it mean to truly be broken?  Can a person really be shattered?  Is the spirit of a man (or woman) truly able to be destroyed?

I never used to believe in love.  Sure, I've used the word before, I'm sure that everyone else has too but I never really knew what it meant until now.

If you truly love someone, they have the ability to make you feel whole or to break your heart into a million tiny pieces.  If you really do care about someone, they can lift your spirit higher than an eagle flies or bury you so deep that you suffocate under the weight of the pain.

I didn't know that love had such power; I didn't know that a simple emotion could leave such a lasting effect, but then, love never is truly simple, is it?

I know now that I have truly loved someone, though I always suspected it to be the case.  The evidence is not, however, in the joy that I feel from being with this person; instead, the proof lies in the pain I feel now that I want to enjoy the company of someone new.  That's the inherent problem, you see:  we don't know what we have until it is taken away from us and we don't know how deep the wounds are until someone sticks their finger in.

I have tried to move on, tried to grow, and tried to change.  I have made a concerted effort to go on with my life and live for myself, but to no avail.  I have met someone that I truly care about; someone whose time I enjoy and who can actually bring the light of joy to my jaded spirit.  That's the worst part, I think; because I now know again a spark of happiness, I realize the void left behind that can never be lit again.

I think that I'm broken, shattered beyond repair.  I hate that I loved someone once and now I'm ruined, like the dress that you spilled red wine on the first time that you wore it.  I'm going to have to tell the new person in my life, but I don't want to give up on the last strand of hope.  Sometimes it's necessary though.  Sometimes we need to know that there is no hope so that we can just settle into the painful rut of existence.

It's just not fair that mistakes that seemed so small, so innocent, can still haunt me to this day.  It's not right that, because of a simple decision, the rest of my life is ruined.  I hate that something that I did so very long ago can condemn me to a life alone.  It's just the way of the world.

I'm broken; I'm shattered; I'm destroyed.  I loved once, and was loved, and will never be the same again.  Anything else is just a dull glow to a heart that has once seen - and been burned by - the light.  Never again will my heart be warm in the cold still of night.

Random idea of the day: When the soda is almost full and you shake it up, it has nowhere else to go but out...

I never knew that it would be this hard

We often make changes in our lives - that is simply the way we are built.  As we grow older and make decisions about what to do, where to go and how to live, we are always changing, but sometimes we make drastic changes.  I'm not talking about the changes in our outlook or our lifestyles that occur slowly over time; I'm talking about the extreme changes that we make overnight.  Sometimes we prepare for them and sometimes we don't, but most of the time we realize that we can never prepare enough.

I moved recently; I'm not talking about down the street or across town here, I'm talking about moving to another city on the other side of the state.  It seemed like a great idea (and I am still convinced that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made) but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the places that I had known for so long.

I moved to a place that I am familiar with in theory but where I am truly lost in practice.  It's not like it used to be because places change just as much as people do and I have used my GPS more than ever since I have been back here.  The simplest destinations are lost on me which is such a difficult thing to deal with sometimes because I am used to not only knowing where everything of interest is, but also knowing the fastest way to get there.  I will get used to it and I will adapt because I must.  I am beginning a new chapter in the story of my life and a new setting is something I will have to deal with.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the memories I have made in nearly a decade.
I moved to a place where I can make new memories but the old ones still haunt me; no, haunt is the wrong word.  The old memories of people, places and things are still so prominent in the back of my mind but they are out of place and out of context in my daily life.  Two of my best friends have died in the recent past and I said goodbye to one in ICU and placed him in the ground and said goodbye to the other at the funeral and cried uncontrollably and the suddenness of her passing.  I will always have memories of them but, with time, even memories fade.  Where I used to live, I remembered our time together almost everywhere I went because we had been there or talked about it or something.  Where I used to live, I could go visit them where they rest at any time I chose.  Now, they are so far away and there is nothing to remind me of them anymore in my daily life.  I pray every day that I don't forget them, even as new memories take precedence and I can feel the fading of the old ones.  This is a new chapter in my life with new memories but I don't want the old ones to lose strength.

I never knew that it would be this hard to leave behind all of the friends I had made.

I moved back to a place where I am surrounded by family.  I love my family dearly, more than anything, and haven't had the opportunity to spend as much of my life with them as I would have liked.  Though I am working on that now, I realize something:  they aren't my only family.  Truly, the good friends that I made where I came from are as much my family as my actual relatives are.  I miss them every day that I am not there.  What makes it harder is that, since they all have each other, I am not so sure that they miss me.  We send the occasional text message and talk (usually briefly) once in awhile but those instances get fewer and farther between.  Meanwhile I am in a new place and time trying like hell to replace the people that I love with new ones because I am fairly certain that the old characters in my story are in the process of writing me out of their lives.

Think of life as a great epic novel.  Every chapter is a new beginning and, I suppose, every beginning must have and end.  Some of the people, places and things in our lives can carry on throughout the storyline but, as in all books, some of them simply fade away.  Some of them were simply minor subplots on the road and were never truly as important to the overall theme as we wanted (or hoped for) them to be.  That is the challenge:  trying to sort out what is important enough to keep through each new chapter and being willing to give up on the things that suddenly don't matter anymore.  To make things worse, each person tells their own story so what seems to you to be a major component of the tale might, to the other person, simply be a footnote.  I realize more and more every day that, to some of the people who I love the most, I don't matter as much to them as they do to me.

I never knew that it would be this hard to move on.

I never knew that it would be this hard to change.

I miss you and I love you and I can never find the words to tell you that make it right...

The deck is stacked against us...

I was in love once...

It was a love that, by all of the rules of society, should never have been...

It was a love that, for all intents and purposes, was wrong...

I was STILL in love once...

I truly still love him to this day...

I truly still think about him constantly...

I truly can't get him out of my head...

"It was in that moment that I knew that I loved him with every ounce of my being; it was also in that moment that I knew that I never cared if I ever saw him again..." (Another Roadside Attraction -Tom Robbins)

Just what does this mean for me?  It means that I love someone and can never let him go.  It means that, no matter what happens in my life, he will always be in the back of my mind.  It means that for the rest of my existence, I will (unwillingly and unconsciously) compare everyone that ever dares to care for me or for whom I even chance to care to HIM.

Why must I suffer so?  Truly, this is a deficiency that is inherent in all of humanity.  As one of the few species capable of real love, we suffer from all of its flaws.  If you truly love someone, then they are always in your heart.  You may no longer be IN love with them; you may no longer want to be with them; and still, they are always there, buried deep beneath the screens and shields that you put up in your everyday life.

I do still love him.  That is a true statement.  I dream about him nightly.  It almost hurts when I awaken and realize that the dreams aren't real.  I often wish that I could stay asleep and live in that dream world forever.  Dreams can be so cruel.

We often dream of our lives in such a candy-coated fashion.  It is in our nature to imagine things the way that we think they should be.  Still, nothing is as it should be and nothing is predictable; but what do we do when life stacks all the cards against us?  Why must the house always win?

Even those couples who are lucky enough to find that special someone who is the love of their life (I know it sounds horrible but watch The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)) are still punished for their good fortune.  Though I can't get "the one" out of my mind, I stopped hoping to spend my life with him long ago.

If there is one thing that is true about life, it is that we grow and change.  We are constantly changing and using our experiences to modify both our personalities and our outlook on life.  The problem arises when we try to commit to a lifetime with a person who is equally mutable.

There is no "one" right person for anyone.  I realized years ago that there is a right person for right now.  The reason is that, at this point in my life, I have a specific set of goals, a specific group of ideals, and a specific way of behaving.  Someone in this world of billions matches me perfectly.  In a decade, however, who can say that the changes in who I am will match the changes in my so-called soul-mate?  Who can say what hand they will be dealt and how life will ultimately change them?
There is no one right person for anyone at all, though the image of the one I loved is always with me.  He is the ideal that I shall always strive for and he is the failure I will always cry over.  There is nothing that can break that cycle.  Nothing hurts more than realizing that I lost him, especially since I know that I have only myself to blame.

I truly loved him and, though I now realize that our time was limited, I still can't help but wonder:  did we have that once-in-a-lifetime connection?  Did we have what it took to be together always?  If so, then I really fucked shit up.  It's my fault that we are over and, now that we have both grown up a little and changed a lot, there is no going back... it hurts more than you can guess and more than even I will ever know.

Logic tells me that I will find another love, but I don't want to.  Evolution tells me that we grow and change and that I am not even the same person that I was then, but I don't care.  My heart tells me that I love him and my dreams tell me that he still matters and I feel sad for the hand that we were dealt because, no matter how much I try to move on, I think that the deck was stacked against us...

Have you ever noticed...?

Have you ever noticed that nothing seems to work the way that you want it to?
All philosophical bullshit aside, there are simply no certainties in life save one - nothing ever truly goes exactly as planned.

Take my day for instance:  I spent the day with family.  Check one for predictability on the Easter holiday, but things aren't always what they seem... I spent the day sleeping in due to my massive headache (a broken nose will do that to you) and then checked on my grandmother (totally the early bird gets the worm type- has now become the second mouse gets the cheese type) before showering, getting dressed, and going over to my cousin's to see if she needed help getting the meal ready for all of us.

She didn't need help (okay, that part WAS predictable) so I made a couple minor trips to the grocery store in order to collect essentials for the meal.  In there came a shocking minor bond with my second cousin (who is adorable and who I can almost think of as an adult if it just wouldn't make me feel so damned old) over an argument (and a guy) that we have discussed in weeks prior.  Yes, times have changed; yes, I have assumed too much.
So store trips are over and the family gathers for a meal and we spend some time together and then it's all freaking over.  In the mere space of an hour we had spent enough time as a collective to be ready to end our time together so damned quickly.  My second cousins ran off to do their own thing (I'm not enough of a cougar yet to pursue what she and I talked about earlier) and my cousins moved to the responsibilities of their lives as hostesses and spouses.  Meanwhile, a friend and I decided to spend the evening in the company of each other and so we, too, went our own ways.

He and I went to his place, had a couple drinks, had a couple laughs, told a couple stories, and, in general, did everything but admit that the one thing that makes each of us happy is the company of the other.  Granted, I already expect that when I am with him, I have grown accustomed to it, but I didn't expect it on today of all days.

So have you ever noticed that things never work out just like you planned?  Take my friend and I, for instance:  as much as he and I make each other happy in every way possible (don't get me wrong - we haven't wandered too far down the physical path) we just can' admit that we would have to deviate from the plans that we both have in order to make things work properly.  So, instead of risking the fact that something would have to go differently than we thought it would, we just ignore the simple feeling of joy and elation that we feel in the company of each other.

I blame the world that we live in.  Instead of looking for the good in everything, we are taught to wait for the "way things are supposed to be."  Instead of hoping for the best, we are always planning... planning kills hope, by it's very nature.  I hate the world for making us behave this way.  It's unfair and it's something that no one should have to succumb to.

"Just because a door is closed doesn't mean that it is locked..." (author unknown)  That quote is something that I am trying to keep in the front of my mind these days.  You never know where life is going to take you but you have to be willing to try and follow it through.  That's what those words say to me but have you ever noticed that no one else is willing to check out the options?

Random idea of the day: A mountain with a rough face is easier to climb than one that is smooth... (author unknown)